June is the month to explore men and male related issues. What is it like to be male? What has influenced you to be the person that you have become today? Being a therapist, this subject comes up more often than you might except.

 Just last week, my Facebook and other news feeds seem to have settled down with their fixation on the Bruce-Caitlyn Jenner transformation. To some the question of being male is instinctual, loaded with all the assumptions we take for granted, but to one who is trans-gendered, the question itself becomes a process to dissect and organize.

I do not pretend to be an expert in such gender related issues, but as I write this article, I currently have a 4 year old child and a seventeen year old teen on my caseload struggling with gender identity questions. In addition, I see a preschooler with two mommies and a married bi-sexual woman.

I was born with curly hair; my daughter has red. Two of my brothers are left handed and an uncle is gay. Genetic variances are all around and everywhere; they are what set us apart and distinguish us from others.  Is this how we explain the one confused about their gender identity or knowing that they were born in the wrong body? I really do not know the answer.

Two years ago I saw a little boy in play therapy struggling through a divorce. His little 2 year old brother waited for him in the waiting adorned with beads, wearing a princess costume. Week after week his toddler sibling wore something fun and feminine. I never gave it a second thought until mom called again 2 years later. Now little brother is in pre-k and is determined that he is a girl. Mom and dad have allowed “her” to grow out her hair, wear girls clothes, and use the “she “ pronoun. This little one is not choosing to dress like…in her mind she IS a girl. Just a girl with an unfortunate penis.

Another child is a senior at a prestigious private school for the gifted. I am seeing her primarily because she has Lyme disease and is struggling to cope. She talks about what it is like to be a girl but to also feel like being a girl is not right, not her. So, she wears baggy sweatshirts to conceal her breasts and cuts her hair in such a way that she looks a bit neutral. To this bright teen, she feels as if she is destined to be a boy, yet she really wants the easy road. What she really wants is to feel congruent in her own skin. To feel at home being a girl.

I am not here to pretend I understand what this feels like or why an individual feels trapped in the wrong gender identity. But one thing I know for sure. These individuals are not choosing it, but rather the path is choosing them.

What must it be like to feel incongruent every moment of every day. If there is one thing I can trust, it is my gender and the idea that I am without a doubt a woman. To me, this is a basic fact that I do not think about or wonder about, it is just an is.

To worry about which restroom to enter or what pronoun to use and to always feel like someone somewhere was not going to accept you and was probably going to hurt you is unimaginable. To walk through life with people who are vocal and do not understand you or for whatever reason could not find love and tolerance to allow your differences to be yours sounds exhausting.

The teen I mentioned above is in the hospital now, wanting to die. Wanting to end her life and stop the suffering and anguish. A week before she tried to take her life she asked me a breath-taking question. 


 “Gabrielle, do you think my Lyme disease could be effecting my brain and making me not want to be a girl? I can’t stand this inner fight any longer. I just want to feel right and ok.”

How can we not show love to such a person? How could I feel anything but compassion and understanding for someone who has a road so challenging and difficult, she would find it easier to end life itself?

Tolerance. Love. Understanding. Support. Sometimes the road to be a successful man or a virtuous woman is harder than we could ever imagine. Maybe, just maybe we can open our hearts and minds to allow ourselves to remember that we almost never have the full story or the entire picture of what one’s daily walk is truly about. Offering the kind of love and support any of us would need to feel congruent within ourselves would seem the only response for anyone with a compassionate heart. I can’t imagine a more loving path than to demonstrate acceptance and understanding ourselves.






 

I am a mother of two. I hear myself frequently talking about the act of practicing with my children. Now that my daughter is approaching her teen years, the talks become more focused on her actions of practicing to be a woman and all of the roles that that could entail.

What is it like to be a woman? What type of woman do I want my daughter to become? I ask myself these questions and find myself growing within the process too. 

Helping a young woman find her feminine balance is not an easy task. When helping a teen in my office navigate this path, I take the job very seriously. What responsibility we have, those of us who offer guidance to girls of all ages. How much of our guidance comes from our own pasts? Our own experiences.

Girls hear messages from so many places and find what they believe to be facts from many faulty sources. Teaching teens to mindfully choose their paths means that these girls need to have a strong well-rooted core identity. I often find that this is not the case.

How can a girl know who she is in her relationships if she is unsure of whom she truly is? One of my favorite things to do in the therapy office is to help middle and high school girls identify and evolve their authentic selves; to piece by piece develop that core identity. I can’t tell you how many times I have received a phone call from a parent looking for a particularly labeled therapy to stop their daughter from cutting or thinking about suicide. SO many times, I find myself coming back to helping these girls love themselves and become in touch with their core identity
When girls practice being a woman, they make conscious decisions to bridge the lives of today with their lives of tomorrow. Children learn that babysitting is practicing to be a mother and diligence with chores is practicing to be a reliable employee and loving a sibling is practice for loving a spouse. None of it matters if our girls are not well rooted in who they are. 

Gabrielle Anderson is the mother of 2 and the director/owner of the Family Therapy Center of Northern Virginia, llc

When I first became a therapist, I worked in a handful of hospitals, day treatment centers and school settings that implemented behavior modification systems. I think it is just as important to notice what works as well as pick up on why a system might not be effective. In my experience, it is important to have a system that is balanced. One that looks at stopping negative behavior all the while shaping positive behavior that you want to see.

Systems that focus on praise alone will miss the opportunity of teaching a child self discipline and natural consequences. Reflectively, systems that focus on punishing negative behavior or discipline alone miss the chance to build up the child and help him strive for positive behavior. Avoiding punishment is not the same as an internalized locus of control.

When your child reaches three, now he is instructed to take a time out. This is not the time to teach him that his words are hurtful or that you do not approve of his behavior. Time outs are designed to pause the negativity long enough to re-boot your child. The time out length in this model is not based on the child’s age, but rather based on the hope that it will be just enough time to re-focus the behavior.  If this is the goal, then two to three minutes is all that is needed to complete a successful timeout. If the child is younger, two minutes can be acceptable. For the older nine year old, maybe three minutes can work. The main idea is making sure that your child can be successful with the time out.

This level of time out is designed to take place in the general living space. In many houses, this is the staircase; in others, it is a dining room chair. This time out is NOT for punishment. It is not a time to write sentences or do push-ups. This is a time for your child to shift gears. The rules for time out are basic: there is no talking or playing, and the child must sit until the timer beeps. “I will start the timer when you are ready. I need you to sit on the stairs quietly. You can do this, buddy, it’s three minutes”.

Choosing whether or not your child participates in a two or three-minute time out is based upon what your child can successfully do. Setting a child up to fail will only perpetuate more problems. Knowing what the child is capable of doing is important. If the child sits quietly without playing (wiggling is fine!), the situation is over and you dodged more conflict. If your child is unable to complete the timeout, this moves you to Level Three.  

We all know counting. “I am going to count to three and I want you to...” This is not the counting that is being suggested. Instead of counting to get a child to START a behavior, like “Come here” or “Get your shoes on” this is more of counting the actual undesirable behavior.

Your son may be sticking out his tongue. You see the behavior and you say, “That’s one”. Then he pushes papers onto the floor and you look at him calmly and say, “That’s two”. And when you have been taught the entire level system, you look at him and say, “That’s two buddy, pull it together so you don’t get to three”. If your child complies and gains self-control and stops the negative behavior, it stops and you may or may not rejoice with “Nice. I’m proud of you for stopping. Good job” or you may remain silently grateful that the cycle ended there.

 Let’s say that your child did NOT hold it together and after dumping papers onto the floor, he looked at you and shouted, “Shut up!” Now you reach three. Now you reach the next level. Level Two. Time Out.

Let’s say your daughter was sent to sit on the stairs for 2 minutes. During this time, she would not stay on the stairs. Encountering this could look like, “Sabrina, you only have 2 minutes. You can do it. Sit right there.” Maybe she is extremely aggressive tonight and refuses a redirection. Give her this choice. Allow her to go to the next level is she needs it. Level Four: Time Out Away from the Family. This time out is usually in the bedroom. Parents ask me all the time if it is ok for the child to be in his room playing. If punishment were the goal, the answer would be to remove all toys and make him sit in solitude. This is not the goal. The goal of the time out with the family and without the family is the same: RE-START.

When a child is placed in his room, the hope is that he has a chance to push re-set and to get unstuck from the negative behavior cycle. This time out is not timed. This time out is rather about teaching a child what calm looks like. “You can come out when you are calm”. Let’s just say your child comes out with an angry tone or kicking things. This is your opportunity as a parent to link what you see with what is unacceptable. Look for specific behaviors that you can point to that make you know that he is not ready. This would not work if a child were still raging. Talking and reasoning generally does not work here. The teaching stage is reserved for the almost ready, but not quite there stage.  “Buddy, I saw you just throw out your stuffed animal. I need to see your face and your hands calm first before you can come out. Let me know when you are ready”. Teach him about his tone and body language. This is GREAT information for a child to have. But remember the FEW WORDS rule and only give educational helpful information, not a lecture or speech.

When your child is finally calm, name it and label it so they know what it looks like and what the expectations for calm are. “Your voice sounds so calm and you are treating your animals nicely. You look ready” If she is a little one, making the calm connection to her body may be more simplistic. You may kneel down, pick up her once hitting hand, kiss it and say, “Much better little hands; you are being calm again”. Teach them. Children need your help in making the feelings-body connection. Notice the above examples did not use double negatives. The scenarios did not say, “You stopped hitting, good job” This is NOT the same as naming what you want to see. In this example you are focusing on what you do not want. If you go here, you miss out on the beauty of education. The value of teaching your child what calm is, looks like and how it behaves. Practice looking for you want, not praising the absence of what you do not want. 

Let’s say your child is NOT calm, and he has refused to stay in his room. Instead of taking the door off its hinges, maybe try LEVEL FOUR.

Stopping negative behavior is only the first step. Looking for what you want and learning how to shape that behavior is very important as well. Click hear to read Part Two of this blog and learn how to get the behavior you want too instead of just extinguishing the bad. 

Gabrielle Anderson, lmft is the director and a therapist at the Family Center of Northern Virginia, llc. She is a trained play therapist who sees parents regularly for appointments as well. 

The Thanksgiving turkey hasn’t even been carved and Jingle Bells is already playing.  It seems each year the holidays creep up more quickly, making the holiday stress many of us feel start earlier as well. A recent holiday stress poll by the American Psychological Association showed that more than eight out of 10 Americans anticipate stress during the during the holiday season.

What could be a season of joy marked by celebrations, delicious food and spending time with loved ones is often the start of a season dreading crowded malls, feeling anxious about spending time with certain relatives and being worried about finding the perfect gift.  If visions of sugar plums dancing in your head have you tossing and turning at night instead of giving you a child-like excitement for the holidays, here are some helpful tips to make the holiday season less stressful and more enjoyable.  Perhaps next time you hear Jingle Bells you’ll sing along instead of feeling holiday anxiety.

1. Lower Your Expectations. Take some of the pressure off by remembering that there is no such thing as perfect.  A burnt Turkey or broken strand of lights won’t ruin your holiday.  Don’t romanticize the holidays or try to recreate holidays from years past – focus on making new memories instead.

2. Make a list (and check it twice). Write everything down that needs to get done.  Break larger tasks down into smaller items so it isn’t so overwhelming.  Once the list is complete, give yourself deadlines to complete each task and put it on your calendar.  After you accomplish a task, check it off your list.  You’ll be amazed at how great it feels to check things off!  

3. Minimize interactions with unhealthy people. Don’t feel as if you have to accept every invitation and invite every friend, family member or co-worker to holiday events you are planning. There is nothing wrong 
with minimizing or eliminating interactions with unhealthy or unhelpful people. 

4. Breathing and Other Techniques. If spending time with certain relatives or co-workers makes your head want to spin like a dreidel, practice breathing.  Instead of losing your cool, take a few deep breaths and do your best to relax.  If controlled breathing does not work for you, there are a variety of other stress-reducing techniques that are helpful during the holidays. About.com offers a list that includes conducting “social reconnaissance” before attending parties or gatherings, volunteering to manage loneliness and avoiding the use of alcohol for “liquid courage” to manage stress and anxiety. 

5. Wrap gifts as you purchase them.  Instead of saving your wrapping for the night before, wrap your gifts when you get home from your shopping trips.  This will save you time and anxiety.

6. Enlist the help of friends and family.  Don’t take on an entire holiday meal by yourself; ask your guests to each bring a dish that makes it feel like Thanksgiving/Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanza to them.

7.  Start your shopping early in the season.  Not only does this spread out the cost of your gifts, but it keeps you from scrambling for purchases at the last minute.  No need to fight the crowds or worry about shipping deadlines.

8. Make some time for you. Set some time aside to relax. Consider this your gift to yourself!

Valerie Tunks is a nationally certified counselor and life coach at Family Therapy Center of Northern Virginia, llc. 
Valerie can be reached through the Family Therapy Center's Meet the Team Page

The five senses help make the world an interesting and intriguing place for children to explore, except for those who easily experience sensory overload. Children with sensory processing needs do not experience their surroundings at the same level as their peers or even parents.

Just as children with ADHD struggle to filter out distractions around them, a child with sensory processing needs finds it difficult to organize and appropriately quantify the amount of sensory input he receives. With some children, they seek out sensory input just to feel balanced, today we will look at the children who become overwhelmed by the touch related input they receive just by living in their environments. Winter months can help exasperate sensory problems; let’s look at a few trouble spots in winter and brainstorm suggestions.

As a fellow touch-sensory overload sufferer, winter is my least favorite season. If sensory input needs are on a 1-10 scale with 1 meaning I do not want anything to touch me and 10 meaning I need to be wrapped up like a mummy, my body tends to hover around the extreme numbers. If it is a “2 or 3” day, I may spend 15 minutes trying on different sweaters because the first few suffocated my arms too much. If I am at work and am experiencing a “3-4” day, I may take off my rings and bracelet and feel miserable in my boots. “2” days for me are NOT jean days. My dog loves “8 or 9” days because this is when I invite him to come lay across my chest.

I give these examples because I am a grown, accomplished professional adult and I have emotional regulation. I know what my body is experiencing and I understand how to accommodate it. I do not have another adult telling me I have to wear the tight jeans and if I did, I would not cry and scream, but instead would twist and squat and contort my legs into all sorts of pretzel like shapes until the jeans felt just right. You would never know I struggle with these issues unless you witnessed me wearing flip-flops inappropriately out of season…even then you would probably assume it was my fashion sense and not my sensory needs.

Our children need us to be their regulators. They need us to understand that gloves, hats, scarves and big fluffy coats restrict and constrict those who experience sensory input overload. Maybe your child is experiencing a “7” day on Monday and then melts down when he is told to put on his jeans on Thursday. Understanding that the numbers fluctuate day to day is important. Having a couple of go-to sensory safe pants, shirts and sweaters can be helpful.

Being open to look at defiance and stubborn behavior from a sensory perspective may give more information as well as potential solutions. Are the arguments often about the same topic? Sometimes behaviors such as putting on socks, washing hands, brushing hair for example, can be defiance due to shying away from sensory input. Being curious about potential reasons for the misbehavior may help point out something new.

Become a detective for more information. If your child wants to inappropriately wear summer attire in the winter, ask more questions. Is it just for fun or is there a sensation she is trying to avoid or achieve? Not all clothes are created equal. With older children, talk about what feels good with pants and tops and what does not. Take note if your child is describing the cut and tailor of clothing, the tags or the fabric itself.

Often children will become inconsolable and greatly upset if they are experiencing more touch input then their bodies know how to filter. Understanding and learning to avoid these situations can be huge, but helping calm their bodies after is important too.

The first thing to look at when trying to calm a child who is over-stimulated, is to reduce, remove or shed the stimuli. I remember seeing a cutie a few years ago here at the office who experienced too much stimuli at school. She developed an after school ritual that helped her shed the extra stimuli she received all day at school and with peers. Each afternoon she removed any bothersome clothing, grabbed her favorite book and jumped into bed. The coolness of the sheets and lack of restriction helped calm and re-set her body rather quickly. This routine became such an important tool that her parents made sure not to schedule any activities directly after school.

Some children enjoy the refuge of a homemade fort. Forts allow the child to escape into an imaginative space that is disconnected from the stimuli of the real world. Allowing your child to eat an after school snack in his fort may create just enough space and calm to help re-set his body.

Epsom salt baths can also calm a child physically and emotionally. Putting a basket of fun imaginary toys next to the tub can help children play out the stress of the day by projecting it through the toys. Here you have a win-win by allowing the body to calm and giving his emotions an exit through play.

Be mindful of patterns to the sensory saturation. Some children struggle to hold it together all week at school and then melt down for mom and dad by Thursday and Friday. If your child becomes habitually fragile towards the end of the week, it may be important to look at a regular daily sensory shedding diet. Children whose sensory over-stimulation builds as the week progresses need down time to rest and unload and to not be required to frequent noisy restaurants and activities towards the end of the week.

Brainstorm ideas with someone who knows your child. Understanding the philosophy behind your child’s needs will help you creatively tailor a successful approach. When these tips do not work, sometimes it is time to call a professional. A Play Therapist can help sensory needs if there is also an emotional component to it. If the outbursts feel truly sensory based, calling upon an Occupational Therapist, OT, can help. OTs are specifically trained to help re-wire the brain to accept input in a more balanced manner. These professionals can also teach parents techniques such as joint compressions and limb brushing that can help organize and calm the body physiologically.

Feel more empowered this winter as you learn more and more about your child’s sensory needs and in turn gain more tools to help her body get to that calm space.

Gabrielle Anderson is the Director and a Therapist at the Family Therapy Center of Northern Virginia, llc
She and the other team members can be contacted directly from the Center's Meet the Team page.

As therapists, we support many families as they walk through the darkness of divorce. Passions often run high while transitioning through such a difficult change. Divorcing as a couple is different than divorcing as parents with children. While you and your ex are walking through this difficult time, take time to remember what this experience can be like from the perspective of your children. Below are are a few tips and nudges to help you remember to protect your precious little and big ones while you transition from one family unit into two.

Spouses divorce one another, but children do not. When dividing up the household items and furniture, be mindful of what the experience will be like for your child. It is best to move furniture out of the house when children are in school or away from the house and never ask them to help. It is important to remember what this experience will be like for them. Before your children come home, make sure that the furniture in the family house is rearranged to create natural looking rooms, not rooms with giant furniture holes in them. Our eyes take in information and help us determine how to react to situations. Help soothe this sensory experience by making sure the home still has the warmth of a home. 

Do your best to make the second home look warm and inviting too. Often home #2 is an apartment or smaller house.  Smaller spaces can still feel warm and family friendly. Maybe allow older children to help you pick out bedroom themes. Making mindful decisions about creating a second home for your children can help you decide what routines and structures to put in place. Home at mom's and home at dad's is the key. When children feel like visitors, it is hard for them to relax and renew. 

Divorce is difficult, but can be doable if you and your ex decide to navigate through the process mindfully and purposefully. Remember that your children are not divorcing anyone. Helping them walk through this change with love and validation will make all the difference in the world. If the process seems all too overwhelming and stressful or if your children appear to be struggling to adjust to the transition, it may be time to seek out professional help. A counseling therapist can help either parent or the children to adjust. If you or someone you love is struggling through divorce, nudge them to find help and support today.

Gabrielle Anderson is the Director and a Therapist at the Family Therapy Center of Northern Virginia, llc
She and the other team members can be contacted directly from the Center's Meet the Team page.

Remember when the differences between you and the one you love felt good, refreshing and even complimentary? Meeting someone who is different from ourselves can be a gift. A private view into a world not our own. Someone to suggest new foods, venues, activities; to be stretched and grateful for it. Those are the days of a couple in love.

Quite often couples complain of these differences in couples’ sessions.

“She always leaves her shoes and clothes all over the bedroom and expects...”

“If it wasn’t for me, we would be drowning in debt. I’m the saver and apparently the only one who...”

“You are so scheduled. Would it hurt you to be a little more spontaneous?!”

Remember when you liked the fact that she captured your chaos and organized it? The days when you felt grateful that he pushed you and nudged you to spend money on yourself? When he helped you feel like you were worth it? What at one point made you feel complimentary and grateful, now leaves you feeling resentful and angry.

Where did it all go? How do partners lose each other in the process of it all? Couples often need to be reminded-gently nudged to go back and remember the early days. The days when it felt ok and even right to be different.  When there was still enough trust in the relationship to reveal one’s true self and feel like it would be accepted and appreciated. To be loved, truly loved despite it all.

Couples therapy can help take the relationship backwards, to a place of equality and trust where being different felt safe. Where black and white could find their way to a comforting gray, and maybe just maybe to a new place; a place resulting from the evolution of two people refusing to be stagnant and stuck. Two who more than anything want to find a life that feels congruent with the evolution of themselves as well as the relationship. Whether you feel the need to reconnect with your past selves or move to something new, therapy can help freshen up the relationship and create the connection you crave.


Gabrielle Anderson is the Director and a Therapist at the Family Therapy Center of Northern Virginia, llc
She and the other team members can be contacted directly from the Center's Meet the Team page.

Although the structure of many couples counseling sessions may be quite similar, what occurs behind the closed doors of a session is well tailored to the needs of the couple. Every relationship has its own dynamic, one that is unique to the couple. Negative cycles appear in all relationships from one time or another. Learning to recognize how to not get sucked into the tornado funnel of distance can be priceless and will look differently from one couple to the next. One’s communication style, levels of emotional safety, trust, love, friendship, and passion are all components and ingredients of a relationship. Where each of these lie and how balanced and fulfilling of a connective opportunity they yield helps determine where the couple feels they are. Helping clients evolve their relationships and determine what it is they want from love and marriage can be a rewarding process to help navigate and assist. 

John Gottman, a well-respected couples researcher, has conducted many longitudinal studies with a focus on marital satisfaction. He claims to have the ability within 5 minutes to extrapolate and determine whether or not a couple will remain married or divorce just by analyzing the way in which they argue.

Arguments are inevitable. Good marriages have bad years. Terrible events happen to good solid families. What separates the satisfied marriages from those that are unfulfilled? Gottman believes friendship is the key. Being truly interested in building bridges and connections with your partner and liking who your spouse is as a person, makes you fight fairer and work towards resolution instead of defensively planning your next move of attack. He states that developing a curiosity and a desire to really know your partner creates a bond that gets stronger through connectivity and has the ability to weather times of adversity and pain.

Sue Johnson, another contemporary pioneer in the field of couple’s satisfaction argues that couples need to understand each other at an emotional level. She believes that when arguments and disagreements arise, couples sitting in their emotional brain can quickly recognize what they are truly fighting about and not just how it initially appears. Feeling this emotional connection can almost be addicting. Couples begin to seek it out not just to squelch disagreements, but also to feel that much closer to each other.

Johnson believes that teamwork and partnership are vital to a lasting fulfilling relationship. She looks at problems within the relationship as being a fault of the dynamic that the couple has created as opposed to looking to blame the individual spouses for the demise of the relationship. Teaching couples to understand their spouse’s emotional needs and desires and helping them to feel heard by their partner breeds connectivity and a deeper bond. When couples begin to routinely reach for one another, trust begins to build. Protecting this trust and union is often what builds the foundation of a newly evolving relationship and dynamic.

More than friendship, arguments and teamwork, where does passion fit into marital satisfaction? Esther Perel, a world renown couples therapist with a special focus on erotic intelligence, talks about the positive power of tension. Perel believes that couples need to develop separateness in order to spark romance. Helping couples develop individuality helps the couple re-kindle desire. She believes that intimacy and sexual desire are very different entities and attempts to help couples re-create a healthy degree of mystery within the relationship.  

Looking at a marital dyad through the lens of roles can be an important step to understanding and dissecting waning sexual desire. When couples begin to fill too many roles for each other, it leaves little room for sexual mystery. Perel believes that knowing too much of our partner’s inner and outer world can cause us to not need to seek them out passionately and may even create an environment for sexual numbing to occur.

With such differing information, how does one sort it all out? One word: Balance. Some couples come into my office with a well-established friendship and genuine love for one another. They know well how to be a team player and feel that their spouse believes in them and wants the best for them. Maybe they are living through a family trauma or lost the romantic spark. This couples probably does not need to learn connectivity and teamwork. Another couple may include one spouse who has grown accustomed to meeting his/her own needs in a self serving manner and who seems to struggle with focusing this energy on the family and spouse. This spouse probably does not need more understanding in creating differentiation and separateness, but may need to learn to look to the other spouse and understand his/her needs and desires. Even still, another couple may come into therapy after practicing fighting to win at all costs. This couple may benefit from learning to sit inside his/her partner’s shoes and begin to feel what it is like to be the other. To gain empathy and connectivity by experiencing a little of what it is like to be married to oneself can be a powerful motivator to change. Then of course there is the family of young children. Where the role of being a 24/7 parent begins to snuff out the role of passionate pursuer. This couple may need help creating distance from the baggy t-shirt, pony tailed mommy and overwhelmed over tired daddy and may need help initiating mystery and separateness.

Only you can answer whether or not you are ready for couples counseling. Therapy is hard work and you really have to be ready to take an honest look at yourself and your dynamic. I have seen therapy do wonderful things for many people, but you have to be ready. So often couples come into therapy hoping that the therapist will "fix" their partner. It is rarely about that and most often about collaborating together, as a team to create a dynamic and level of connectivity that is worth fighting for...learning to fight for what is best for the relationship and not just fighting to win.

Gabrielle Anderson is the Director and a therapist at the FamilyTherapy Center of Northern Virginia, llc. 
She and the other team members can be reached directly from the Center's Meet the Team page.

I received word from my brother that an old friend committed suicide recently. I have to be honest. I couldn’t even remember who he was. My sister suggested I check Facebook and reminded me of a summer during college when I knew him and he began to know my family. Tom and I were in each other’s lives for a short, short time. We became friends, hung out a bit; he would come over to my house and do things with my family. Later that summer he began to date my sister. He was in my life for yet a blink. 

When I checked my sister’s Facebook page to remind me of who he was, I couldn’t believe how much Tom looked the same as he did 20 years ago. I looked at his wife and his two children and suddenly felt pain. Everyone looked so happy, so together. I felt sadness for the trauma his children must be feeling and for the dark loneliness his wife must be experiencing. I have a family of four. Seeing his family felt too similar to filter. I couldn’t help but wonder what on earth happened during his last 20 years to make him end it all. On and off last night, I drempt about Tom and his family and my sister. I woke up confused that I was grieving someone I didn’t even know and couldn’t even remember.

Grief can be complicated. My grief wasn’t about missing Tom, but was more about experiencing a snapshot of my life all over again. Remembering that summer and his heart felt impact on my family opened up a part of my life I hadn’t thought about in years. I was experiencing my own vulnerabilities and mortality too. Quickly and without hesitation, my mind connected the dots to all the other losses I experienced this year; and made me wonder what else I would be experiencing. When emotions don’t make sense, sometimes it is better not to ignore them but rather to curiously investigate. For an hour last night and some this morning, I went back in time to a place 20 years ago and reflected on my recent life as well. Surprisingly, that small journey cost me a little. 

Grief indeed has many many faces. My mother died unexpectedly seven years ago. Having five siblings it became apparent quite quickly that everyone grieves differently, at different times and for different things. Some of us grieve quietly, others agonize demonstratively. Some grieve more for the actual person others more for a time of their lives that will never return or something that will never be. It’s funny how a loss can point to things that you didn’t realize were there. I don’t miss Tom. I don’t even know him. But grief doesn’t really know the rules. It didn’t know that as soon as I saw his picture I would be reminded of that summer in an instant. I wasn't even fully aware of how much of my present life and anxieties were becoming entangled in the memories until I became curious and began to investigate it further.

I’m sorry you were in so much pain, Tom. I’m sorry wife and kids that he left so early. I’m sorry to my sister for the complicated grief she must be experiencing too. On the grand 1-10 spectrum of grief, I am at a 1 or 2. Understanding that there is indeed a spectrum, is a priceless tool to navigate it mindfully.

Gabrielle Anderson is the Director and a Therapist at the Family Therapy Center of Northern Virginia, llc
She and the other team members can be contacted directly from the Center's Meet the Team page.