Getting Help After Infidelity
I often say that the same thing can happen to 5 different people and those five people will have 5 different responses. Your response to infidelity may be similar or very different from your neighbor's. Why? Because we all have different past experiences, histories, beliefs about the world and people, values etc. An affair may devastate one person's world while another may be hurt, but the pain is doable.
What is An Attachment Injury?
An attachment injury is a pain experienced by someone in a significant relationship. The event and the interpretation of this event feels so devastating that it actually effects the bond itself. Not all affairs experience this level of emotional trauma, and sometimes what appears to be a small insignificant event can be felt at an attachment injury level. Assessing how deep the pain goes and what it has effected is part of healing from an affair.
Levels of Forgiveness
I went to a training that looked at forgiveness from a levels perspective. The theory is that in order to get true forgiveness that heals and strengthens the relationship, both parties have to be involved in the process.
Hurtee: "I felt humiliated when...." Hurter: "I don't want you to feel....I love you and want you to ..."
To obtain true forgiveness, honesty, openness and vulnerability are all a part of the process; from both sides.
Hurter: "I felt so alone back then. I don't think you really understand what it was like for me..." Hurtee "This is really hard to hear, but I need to understand all of it..."
Sometimes we forgive too quickly...before the relationship has had a chance to really heal and strengthen. When we forgive too quickly, resentment and bitterness can take root and create secondary problems.
"I thought you said we were over this. Why are you always still SO angry?!"
Allowing a painful situation to shape us and mold us is not easy, but can be doable. Allowing couples therapy to help after infidelity can be a helpful first step in unravelling WHY IT HAPPENED in the first place. If you do not know why, how can you protect it from happening again? Relationship counseling can help teach the steps of forgiveness and can help you both walk through them together.
Hurtee: "I felt humiliated when...." Hurter: "I don't want you to feel....I love you and want you to ..."
To obtain true forgiveness, honesty, openness and vulnerability are all a part of the process; from both sides.
Hurter: "I felt so alone back then. I don't think you really understand what it was like for me..." Hurtee "This is really hard to hear, but I need to understand all of it..."
Sometimes we forgive too quickly...before the relationship has had a chance to really heal and strengthen. When we forgive too quickly, resentment and bitterness can take root and create secondary problems.
"I thought you said we were over this. Why are you always still SO angry?!"
Allowing a painful situation to shape us and mold us is not easy, but can be doable. Allowing couples therapy to help after infidelity can be a helpful first step in unravelling WHY IT HAPPENED in the first place. If you do not know why, how can you protect it from happening again? Relationship counseling can help teach the steps of forgiveness and can help you both walk through them together.
