5/19/2015 Practicing to be a Woman: The Art of Teaching a Girl How to Navigate a Life of Intention (By Gabrielle Anderson, lmft)Read Now![]() I am a mother of two. I hear myself frequently talking about the act of practicing with my children. Now that my daughter is approaching her teen years, the talks become more focused on her actions of practicing to be a woman and all of the roles that that could entail. What is it like to be a woman? What type of woman do I want my daughter to become? I ask myself these questions and find myself growing within the process too. Helping a young woman find her feminine balance is not an easy task. When helping a teen in my office navigate this path, I take the job very seriously. What responsibility we have, those of us who offer guidance to girls of all ages. How much of our guidance comes from our own pasts? Our own experiences. Helping Teen Girls Evolve Their Core IdentityGirls hear messages from so many places and find what they believe to be facts from many faulty sources. Teaching teens to mindfully choose their paths means that these girls need to have a strong well-rooted core identity. I often find that this is not the case. How can a girl know who she is in her relationships if she is unsure of whom she truly is? One of my favorite things to do in the therapy office is to help middle and high school girls identify and evolve their authentic selves; to piece by piece develop that core identity. I can’t tell you how many times I have received a phone call from a parent looking for a particularly labeled therapy to stop their daughter from cutting or thinking about suicide. SO many times, I find myself coming back to helping these girls love themselves and become in touch with their core identity When girls practice being a woman, they make conscious decisions to bridge the lives of today with their lives of tomorrow. Children learn that babysitting is practicing to be a mother and diligence with chores is practicing to be a reliable employee and loving a sibling is practice for loving a spouse. None of it matters if our girls are not well rooted in who they are. Our Responsibility to Model What it is Like to be an Authentic WomanIt is our job as the adults in these girl’s lives to mentor them with love and respect. To explain the ways of life and the world and to teach them what it means to be authentic. Our children need our guidance and support. Our girls need us to not only tell them what it is like to be a woman, but to show them what this is like. To model for them a love of one’s body. To show love and kindness to their dad and friends. To be authentic both at home and within their community. Finding the Portal into Our Girls' Feminine WorldsGirls today have so many sources competing to teach them what it is like to be a woman. Making sure that our example, our voice is the loudest and most believable of them all has to be a deliberate focus. Sometimes this means as parents that we look for the openings that our children present to us and use them as opportunities to help teach them about life. I find myself brainstorming with parents of teens often to help them identify these doorways. Some children are more open in the car, others become vulnerable and connect when alone with the parent at a restaurant. I remember one mom of a distant teen found value in climbing into bed with her daughter to have night chats in the dark. Look for the portal into your child’s world. Although it is often camouflaged with brush and other prickly bushes, chances are it does exist. Girls do not learn to navigate life on their own, but they will find information both right, wrong, helpful and detrimental. It is our job as parents and the helping professionals in their lives to guide them and teach them how to be authentic and women they can respect and love. Gabrielle Anderson is the mother of 2 and the director/owner of the Family Therapy Center of Northern Virginia, llc
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11/7/2014 Taking a Look at Touch Related Sensory Overload in Children By: Gabrielle AndersonRead Now![]() The five senses help make the world an interesting and intriguing place for children to explore, except for those who easily experience sensory overload. Children with sensory processing needs do not experience their surroundings at the same level as their peers or even parents. Just as children with ADHD struggle to filter out distractions around them, a child with sensory processing needs finds it difficult to organize and appropriately quantify the amount of sensory input he receives. With some children, they seek out sensory input just to feel balanced, today we will look at the children who become overwhelmed by the touch related input they receive just by living in their environments. Winter months can help exasperate sensory problems; let’s look at a few trouble spots in winter and brainstorm suggestions. Touch Sensory Input via a 1-10 Spectrum As a fellow touch-sensory overload sufferer, winter is my least favorite season. If sensory input needs are on a 1-10 scale with 1 meaning I do not want anything to touch me and 10 meaning I need to be wrapped up like a mummy, my body tends to hover around the extreme numbers. If it is a “2 or 3” day, I may spend 15 minutes trying on different sweaters because the first few suffocated my arms too much. If I am at work and am experiencing a “3-4” day, I may take off my rings and bracelet and feel miserable in my boots. “2” days for me are NOT jean days. My dog loves “8 or 9” days because this is when I invite him to come lay across my chest. I give these examples because I am a grown, accomplished professional adult and I have emotional regulation. I know what my body is experiencing and I understand how to accommodate it. I do not have another adult telling me I have to wear the tight jeans and if I did, I would not cry and scream, but instead would twist and squat and contort my legs into all sorts of pretzel like shapes until the jeans felt just right. You would never know I struggle with these issues unless you witnessed me wearing flip-flops inappropriately out of season…even then you would probably assume it was my fashion sense and not my sensory needs. Our children need us to be their regulators. They need us to understand that gloves, hats, scarves and big fluffy coats restrict and constrict those who experience sensory input overload. Maybe your child is experiencing a “7” day on Monday and then melts down when he is told to put on his jeans on Thursday. Understanding that the numbers fluctuate day to day is important. Having a couple of go-to sensory safe pants, shirts and sweaters can be helpful. Looking at Misbehavior in Children Through a Sensory LensBeing open to look at defiance and stubborn behavior from a sensory perspective may give more information as well as potential solutions. Are the arguments often about the same topic? Sometimes behaviors such as putting on socks, washing hands, brushing hair for example, can be defiance due to shying away from sensory input. Being curious about potential reasons for the misbehavior may help point out something new. Become a detective for more information. If your child wants to inappropriately wear summer attire in the winter, ask more questions. Is it just for fun or is there a sensation she is trying to avoid or achieve? Not all clothes are created equal. With older children, talk about what feels good with pants and tops and what does not. Take note if your child is describing the cut and tailor of clothing, the tags or the fabric itself. Often children will become inconsolable and greatly upset if they are experiencing more touch input then their bodies know how to filter. Understanding and learning to avoid these situations can be huge, but helping calm their bodies after is important too. Helpful Tips to Help Calm an Over-Stimulated Child The first thing to look at when trying to calm a child who is over-stimulated, is to reduce, remove or shed the stimuli. I remember seeing a cutie a few years ago here at the office who experienced too much stimuli at school. She developed an after school ritual that helped her shed the extra stimuli she received all day at school and with peers. Each afternoon she removed any bothersome clothing, grabbed her favorite book and jumped into bed. The coolness of the sheets and lack of restriction helped calm and re-set her body rather quickly. This routine became such an important tool that her parents made sure not to schedule any activities directly after school. Some children enjoy the refuge of a homemade fort. Forts allow the child to escape into an imaginative space that is disconnected from the stimuli of the real world. Allowing your child to eat an after school snack in his fort may create just enough space and calm to help re-set his body. Epsom salt baths can also calm a child physically and emotionally. Putting a basket of fun imaginary toys next to the tub can help children play out the stress of the day by projecting it through the toys. Here you have a win-win by allowing the body to calm and giving his emotions an exit through play. Be mindful of patterns to the sensory saturation. Some children struggle to hold it together all week at school and then melt down for mom and dad by Thursday and Friday. If your child becomes habitually fragile towards the end of the week, it may be important to look at a regular daily sensory shedding diet. Children whose sensory over-stimulation builds as the week progresses need down time to rest and unload and to not be required to frequent noisy restaurants and activities towards the end of the week. When to Call a Professional to Help Your Child's Sensory Processing Needs Brainstorm ideas with someone who knows your child. Understanding the philosophy behind your child’s needs will help you creatively tailor a successful approach. When these tips do not work, sometimes it is time to call a professional. A Play Therapist can help sensory needs if there is also an emotional component to it. If the outbursts feel truly sensory based, calling upon an Occupational Therapist, OT, can help. OTs are specifically trained to help re-wire the brain to accept input in a more balanced manner. These professionals can also teach parents techniques such as joint compressions and limb brushing that can help organize and calm the body physiologically.
Feel more empowered this winter as you learn more and more about your child’s sensory needs and in turn gain more tools to help her body get to that calm space. Gabrielle Anderson is the Director and a Therapist at the Family Therapy Center of Northern Virginia, llc She and the other team members can be contacted directly from the Center's Meet the Team page. 10/11/2014 Four Important Lessons for Divorcing Parents to Keep in Mind By: Gabrielle Anderson, LMFTRead NowAs therapists, we support many families as they walk through the darkness of divorce. Passions often run high while transitioning through such a difficult change. Divorcing as a couple is different than divorcing as parents with children. While you and your ex are walking through this difficult time, take time to remember what this experience can be like from the perspective of your children. Below are are a few tips and nudges to help you remember to protect your precious little and big ones while you transition from one family unit into two. Divorcing Nudge #1: Protect Your Sweeties From the Loyalty Guilt TrapIt is customary for parents walking through the processes of divorce to argue and fight. When children are involved, it is best to try to protect them from the fighting and discord. Whenever possible, send requests to your ex-spouse in an email or talk on the phone when children are in bed or away from the house. Children are wired to be loyal to those they love. When children overhear fighting, it often creates an anxiety in them and a sense of loyalty. How difficult it can be for a child to feel a split loyalty and desire to please or protect both parents. This is especially difficult for children experiencing an adversarial split in their family unit. Nudge #1. Protect your child from the loyalty guilt trap. When at all possible, notice this loyalty and help your child get to a place of neutrality where s/he does not feel the need to protect anyone emotionally but himself. Divorcing Nudge #2: Teach Your Children to Protect Their Eyes and EarsIn a perfect world, parents would comply with Nudge #1 and protect their children from the stress and turmoil of parental discord. Unfortunalty, no one is perfect and divorce is stressful. Nudge #2 is to teach your children to walk away from parental stress. If an unplanned encounter occurs or unexpected fight begins, younger kids can be taught to run and play in another area of the house, and older children can go listen to music or watch a movie...but the key is to remove your children and teach them to removes themselves from stressful situations. Children do not need to hear the hurtful words and tones. Remember. You are talking to and about their mom/dad. Protect their ears from the words and their eyes from the nonverbal communication. Children see all. They see the intense look in your eyes and the balled fist near your side. While you are trying to work through the pain and grief of divorce, protect their eyes and ears. Divorcing Nudge #3: Everything You Do with Your Attorney Costs SomethingSeparation and divorce can be expensive. Every email, phone call and subpoena that filters through an attorney costs something. Attorneys get paid for every minute task brought to them. This cost becomes quickly evident in your bank account, however what often takes longer to realize is the emotional toll taken by being in constant turmoil. Living in a state of hypervigilenece and scanning your environment for negativity will cost you and your precious bystanders. Beyond money, it will cost you peace and may cost you the respect of yourself and the respect of those who love you. Creating an environment of calm for your children takes purposeful determination and self regulation. Before you grab the phone to call or email your attorney, stop and think: in the long run, will this help or harm those I love the most? If it impacts your emotional health and your ability to create the calm atmosphere your children need during this transition, let it rest for a day and then decide. Divorcing Nudge #4: Purposefully Create 2 Whole Homes for Your ChildrenSpouses divorce one another, but children do not. When dividing up the household items and furniture, be mindful of what the experience will be like for your child. It is best to move furniture out of the house when children are in school or away from the house and never ask them to help. It is important to remember what this experience will be like for them. Before your children come home, make sure that the furniture in the family house is rearranged to create natural looking rooms, not rooms with giant furniture holes in them. Our eyes take in information and help us determine how to react to situations. Help soothe this sensory experience by making sure the home still has the warmth of a home. Do your best to make the second home look warm and inviting too. Often home #2 is an apartment or smaller house. Smaller spaces can still feel warm and family friendly. Maybe allow older children to help you pick out bedroom themes. Making mindful decisions about creating a second home for your children can help you decide what routines and structures to put in place. Home at mom's and home at dad's is the key. When children feel like visitors, it is hard for them to relax and renew. When to Seek Professional Support During a DivorceDivorce is difficult, but can be doable if you and your ex decide to navigate through the process mindfully and purposefully. Remember that your children are not divorcing anyone. Helping them walk through this change with love and validation will make all the difference in the world. If the process seems all too overwhelming and stressful or if your children appear to be struggling to adjust to the transition, it may be time to seek out professional help. A counseling therapist can help either parent or the children to adjust. If you or someone you love is struggling through divorce, nudge them to find help and support today.
Gabrielle Anderson is the Director and a Therapist at the Family Therapy Center of Northern Virginia, llc She and the other team members can be contacted directly from the Center's Meet the Team page. What are Common Symptoms of Anxiety?![]() An elementary aged child was asked to think about her anxious symptoms and worry thoughts and turn them into a cartoon character. This is what she created. Pretty scary stuff! Keep reading to see how this scary picture and others like it can be used in therapy to help children (and brave adults) gain power over their feelings and calm down the brain's limbic system. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), meditation and other modalities can help create calm as well. Anxiety looks very different from one person to the next. In some, it is an almost constant buzzing, in others it presents as sweaty, heart racing panic attacks. Some report not being able to enjoy social functions and others cry uncontrollably. Worry thoughts can be common as well as harmful debilitating self talk. Anxiety, no matter its form, is uncomfortable and something we see at The Center every day. Too Busy & Driven? Not Living Mindfully can be a Common Cause of AnxietyAnxiety can come from many different sources. Northern Virginia is a perfect breeding ground for anxiety. We work hard long hours alongside others who work just as hard. We are an intelligent population with intelligent, driven successful peers. Sometimes ambition, competition, and the comparisons we do to stay ahead and crisp, can keep us out of touch with ourselves and with what keeps us grounded. Not caring for oneself can be quickly depleting. Not measuring up or feeling "if I just did…" can leave one constantly looking ahead instead of being present and enjoying small moments in life. When we stop being present and are not choosing our life choices mindfully, we begin to feel an inner incongruence. This dissonance and inner conflict can manifest itself as anxiety. What are we Modeling for our Children? Anxiety and Your Child...Many of the children we see who struggle with anxiety seem to be wired for perfection or performance. Wanting to do it "right" or "perfect" can be a trait we teach our children silently. Our children have our genetic coding and predispositions, but they also watch us and learn how to navigate life and life choices without a word needing to be shared. Not all anxiety in children and adults is learned. Some feel vulnerable after a painful experience or trauma and channel the emotions into anxiety. Some experience a tremendous amount of worry thoughts that take up way too much brain space and begin to interfere with focus and daily happiness. The habit of internalizing negative experiences can lead to chronic anxiety and can be dangerous. Stopping it before it does real damage is the key. Infection Induced AnxietyWe do not just have ambition and drive in NOVA, we have ticks…and lots of them! Ticks carry more than Lyme Disease. Bartonella, Babesia and Mycoplasma are a few infections that can cause debilitating anxiety/depression and if left untreated can create significant neurological damage. Strep antibodies can also create panic and OCD in children and teens and in some cases, adults. This is known as PANDAS. When other agents create the anxiety, such as Chlamydia Pneumonia, it is referred to as PANS. When anxiety is intense and there does not seem to be a cause or known trigger, look to rule out infection as a potential influencer. Often physicians who present themselves as "Lyme Literate Doctors" are good specialist choices to visit. Diagnosing infection based anxiety is a process that relies on more information than blood tests alone. A thorough clinical assessment is highly recommended if you suspect infection based anxiety or panic. How to Cope with AnxietyThe first step in coping with anxiety is to understand its origin and to experience it for what it is. Sometimes people are quick to medicate anxiety without first exploring some of the above possibilities or going to the source itself to heal it. It is all too easy in our Northern Virginia culture to squelch the fires of anxiety by reaching for a beer or that second martini. Often screen time is used to melt away the feelings and distract the mind. Looking to the source can be painful, but useful. Is it Trauma? Fear? Are you losing touch with yourself and your loved ones? Could it be infection based? Look for the cause before reaching for a temporary fire extinguisher. When you know the cause, you can get assistance. If life is out of balance or you have unfinished emotional business to care for, therapy can help. If you need to find ways to calm your body and control your run away negative thoughts, counseling can help teach you these methods. Learning to listen to your negative self talk, turning it around and replacing it with healthy positive self talk can be empowering. Noticing how your body reacts to stress and emotional pain and what anxiety looks like in your body BEFORE it turns into panic can be an invaluable tool when learning to get ahead of panic attacks. Learning to take deep slow breaths to calm your heart and slow your thoughts can be key to reducing the symptoms of anxiety and decrease panic attacks. What Does Treatment for Anxiety Look Like?Adults can improve anxiety by learning the habits of Mindfulness and by practicing the tangible skills taught in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Our therapists are trained to help teach and monitor these skills. Sometimes, though the anxiety is embedded in trauma or is creating too much hyperarousal (extreme buzzing and almost non-stop physical symptoms) that CBT feels like putting a bandaid on a gushing wound. In cases like these, EMDR, Meditation/Visualizations, Art Therapy, Sand Tray or Play Therapy may be a better option to first calm the limbic system part of the brain so that the cognitive, more rational part of the brain can be accessed. Going to the cognitive brain first when someone is in a state of hyperarousal can be often be a mistake and can create frustration in the one suffering. Using methods such as relaxation, EMDR or Creative type therapies can calm the body and mind and help create a foundation for CBT skills to then root beneath. Our clinicians are trained in these modalities and can help from age 3 through adulthood. To request an appointment or for more information, click here. Creative Therapy Approaches![]() One method to calm the limbic system and create empowerment over anxiety and other traumas is the use of a drawing series. Let's look back at the cartoon character above. In the series shown here, a young girl was asked to sit in the anxiety and create a cartoon character that embodied all of it. The next step is to have her get inside of herself and determine how she feels within her body and where she feels each emotion when she is within proximity of this creature (this is another picture not shown0. The third step is to make her face the anxiety and begin to feel empowered over it. She is now asked to do what ever she feels compelled to do to the character itself. This child chose to put her anxiety monster in jail (called encapsulation), lock up it's hands, feet and fingers, lock the jail in four places, gag it's mouth, soften it's prickliness and re-shape it's eye brows. We then check back in with the child to see how she is feeling. When children and adults are asked to approach their trauma or scariness head on and then learn to become empowered over it, the trauma/anxious feelings decrease and the empowerment increases. Some clients need to do more than one drawing series, while others choose another modality to continue to calm the limbic system. EMDR participants experience a similar experience as those who create via art. It seems to be about finding a safe way to revisit something uncomfortable…to sit with the scary and BE OKAY. I have had some adults brave enough to try this drawing series with great success. Please. Do not try a series like this without proper training. The series is intensive and involves more pictures and steps than what are shown here today. Gabrielle Anderson is the Director and a Therapist at the Family Therapy Center of Northern Virginia, llc She and the other team members can be contacted directly from the Center's Meet the Team page. |
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