One of my specialty areas in private practice is chronic illness. I love helping those with prolonged illness find emotional balance during times of stress and turmoil. In this article, I want to talk about the importance of gut health from the perspective of pre-biotic and pro-biotic support and would like to help you explore the connection this could have with anxiety, depression and more. ​

​Did you know that 90%+ of Serotonin production occurs in the gut and that the gut is being called our 2nd brain? Healthy gut bacteria produce neurotransmitters like Serotonin, Dopamine and GABA. Shocking, right? When our gut is out of balance and not in a healthy place, it can directly effect our mood. What we eat and the ratio of good vs bad bacteria can impact the balance of the gut and thus directly impact the brain. 

​Hippocarates said "All disease begins in the gut". Could this mean that many mental health problems can originate here too? ABSOLUTELY. There are many ways to approach gut health. In another post, we discussed the importance of enzymes, in this post, we will look at bacteria's influence. 

When the health of the gut becomes compromised and bad bacteria overtake good healthy bacteria, yeast can grow to unhealthy levels. Sugar can help feed this overgrowth process. The average American consumes 100 pounds of sugar in a year. Think of how much fuel we are giving to the bad bacteria!

An over-population of yeast can impact the lining of the intestine making it permeable and allowing toxins and undigested food particles to leak into the blood stream. But it also can impede the production of Serotonin. An overgrowth of bad bacteria and an unhealthy gut can initiate cloudy thought processing, irritability as well as anxious or low mood feelings.

80% of our immune system lies within our gut. When the intestines chronically leak toxins, the immune system becomes compromised which tends to increase systemic inflammation in the body. Systemic inflammation can impact the body and brain and can lend itself to ailments that span from achy joints to depressive feelings or even feelings of panic. More mental health impact!

We mentioned above that the production of Vitamin B can be impacted with poor gut health. The B vitamins are a wonderful nourisher for the nervous system and an important factor to one's mental health. Sometimes a 50-100mg dose of a multi-B vitamin is recommended for those struggling with mental health symptoms, other times a Methyl version of Folate and B-12 is encouraged. Talking to an informed medical professional about these options is important. BUT helping the body produce what it needs to is a crucial proactive step in maintaining good healthy mental health.

​We have read what impact an imbalance in good and bad healthy flora can do to one's mental health. Let's look at what a healthy amount of pre-biotics and probiotics can do for one's mood.

Probitocs are live bacteria that are helpful to the digestive system. Pre-biotics are the fibers in natural whole foods that give probiotics the fuel they need to maintain and reproduce. Both probiotics and pre-biotics can be taken in the form of a pill or can be ingested in certain foods. 

​Good bacteria like lactobacillus and B. Bifidum for example have been used in research studies with mice. Mice that were given these helpful bacteria had a reduction in their anxious like behavior. Other studies have looked at the link between healthy microbes in the gut and the reduction of depression and anxiety.

What a beautiful thing. To learn WHY you may feel down or anxious, or have cloudy thinking. To get ahead of it and tackle it instead of popping a pill or suffering through is a gift. Scattered, splintered energy, feelings of darkness and despair, anxious chatter can all benefit by looking through the lens of the gut. Many other symptoms can be as a result of your body's neurotransmitters not being able to do their job efficiently and effectively.

Why not try implementing the addition of daily probiotics into your diet for three weeks to see what changes you feel? Your best angle for success is by introducing a well made multi-strain probiotic that also contains a pre-biotic blend.

Also begin to eat  foods that naturally contain probiotics. Fermented food choices such as raw sauerkraut, low sugar yogurt, kefir, kombucha are wonderful ways to introduce probiotics into the body naturally.

Remember. Sugar tends to feed yeast. Reducing sugar and simple carbohydrates while targeting yeast and increasing good healthy flora is an important step to changing the environment of your gut. Adding supplements and natural foods into the diet and reducing sugars can be a nice balance. 



Gabrielle Anderson is the a family therapist and the owner of the Family Therapy Center of Northern Virginia in Ashburn, Virginia. Although therapy is her specialty, she loves incorporating natural methods and is constantly searching for biological or environmental explanations for mental health ailments whenever possible. This and other posts is NOT to be a replacement for medical attention or advice. Please talk to your medical professional to see if these ideas could help you or a loved one.




Sources:
Kuhn, Merrily RN, Ph.D. What is in our Food, Institute for Brain Potential: CEU Training

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/04/gut-bacteria-mental-healt_n_6391014.html

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/06/gut-bacteria-on-the-brain/395918/

http://4abettermemory.com/memory/how-digestive-health-impacts-mental-health/

http://www.drcarolyndean.com/articles_depression_and_yeast.html

http://www.cpn.or.kr/journal/view.html?volume=13&number=3&spage=239

​http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14177/anxious-moody-depressed-why-you-might-have-candida.html

Two years ago, my husband experienced a trauma involving his parents and family that no one should ever have to experience. A wound so deep and penetrable, it is a wonder he continues to love as deeply and devoutly as he does. Although the stimulus is no longer a threat, his pain continues to be relevant today.

Yesterday I borrowed a Zyto Scan from a health coach friend. "Each ZYTO scan begins by measuring the body’s responses to 35 neutral signals. The median response to this neutral stimulus becomes the Range, or the parameter of the body's response to energetic stimulus in general. Once the range is established, the software introduces specific Virtual Stimulus Items and compares the response to the parameters set in the range"*.  

I was excited to scan myself and family to see what our bodies might be lacking. I scanned for Lemon, Grapefruit and the Citrus Blend. My interpretation of this scan is my need for detoxing and chill-axing. Great information.

My 12 year old daughter, who has a history of PANDAS scanned for the Protective Blend which makes PERECT sense. We've been lax with applying this before and after school. She also scanned for Omega 3s and Sandalwood. No surprises here. All of those made good scientific sense, knowing her medical history and where her body and brain are today. 

Next my 9 year old son scanned for the Calming Blend. YES! That was a perfect recommendation for getting him to stop screaming and being so spastic. I grabbed this blend in the moment and smoothed 2 drops of it down his  spine. He also scanned for Omega 3s. Because I have been trying to help his little brain focus more and stay on task, this also made perfect sense to me. He also scanned for Oregano and Melaleuca. Interesting for me to get the information that his runny nose may be about to sprout into a bigger sickness. Got it. I'm on it. Get the Oregano and Melaleuca. I diluted these with fractionated coconut oil and applied them to his feet before the night was over (and again this morning). 

But my husband. He was a different story. He scanned for The Cell Renewal Blend and Omega 3s. This made sense due to a chronic illness he has been battling. This was no surprise. What came as a surprise was the Helichrysum. Why on earth did he scan for Helichrysum? When I think of this essential oil, I think of the skin. I know Helichrysum is great at reduce scarring, wrinkles, age spots...these are what I think of when I look at Helichrysum. Why on earth did he scan for this? 

The skeptic that my husband is (he didn't even want to be scanned to begin with), focused immediately that the scan didn't pick up that he was feeling depressed and anxious. He was right. It didn't appear to find this. Although his trauma initiated two years ago, it had just picked up momentum again within the past week. He was definitely feeling really pulled down by it all. Why didn't this show up? And what was up with the Helichrysum?!

Out of curiosity, I grabbed my Emotional Healing with Essential Oils book*. What did it have to say about Helichrysum? What I read was astonishing. My jaw dropped when I read the following "...It aids 'the walking wounded' - those with a history of difficult life circumstances, trauma, addiction, loss or abuse. These individuals need the powerful spiritual support of Helichrysum..." It went on to read that Helichrysum can help give hope and emotional strength to help the individual get back on the path to recovery. 

Diffusing
Interesting. I know from experience that the best way to get emotional/mental health support from essential oils is by diffusing them. Diffusing essential oils allow them to be taken into the brain to bring calm to the limbic system. I decided to marry the results of my daughter's scan with my husband's needs and diffused 2 drops of Sandalwood and 2 drops of Helichrysum. Within minutes, my husband's face was smoother...less tension. After  2 rounds of diffusing, a few hours a part, he was able to talk about his emotional journey and where his path and been taking him. He noted that the essential oils helped him feel calmer and less distraught. Wow. Who would have thought. 

I love learning new things. To think about anxiety and emotional distress through a different lens. A lens that is specific and hits the target more directly. When I think of anxiety, my go to oils are Wild Orange, Calming Blend, Grounding Blend, Vetiver etc. What I learned today was that if I am open minded and seek to understand, then I will get more answers. Better answers. 

What are you Doing?
Those of you who practice, are you using your essential oils with your clients? Do you diffuse, offer helpful workshops or even offer free Zyto Scans? Our field is taking a turn. Thank goodness. We are seeing a shift happen that is making us look more towards teaching our clients to find balance, mindfulness and solutions within themselves and their nearby natural worlds. I encourage you to learn, read, be taught and teach others. Being a cutting edge therapist and teaching this knowledge to others can be a priceless gift to those who receive it. Being a cutting edge mama can provide just as much value...even MORE.

Help your body help itself. If you are experiencing a wounded heart, loss or trauma, maybe try a little bit of Helichrysum. It just may give you the extra leverage you need to finally reach the next level OR give you enough support to find good solid help.

The above blends are listed by their type of blend and not the actual name. Every company calls their blends by different catchy names. Hopefully listing them by type will help you identify what to purchase. I will caution you. Not every oil is the same. Make sure you do your research to determine that the company you choose produces therapeutic grade oils, otherwise you are buying concentrated perfume that will not help your health at all.


References
*   http://zyto.com/Learning/UnderstandingZYTOReports

** Emotional Healing with Essential Oils Manual 1, 2nd Edition; Macdonald, Daniel; Enlighten Alternative Healing, llc, 2012

During the meditative process of my yoga class today, the instructor talked about fear. "What if instead of using the word fear you instead choose to be cautiously optimistic? What would this change? How would you view the world and your own life differently"?

To be cautiously optimistic. What would this cost? What could be gained? My thoughts immediately go to the balancing act in which many couples find themselves engaged, in order to create equilibrium and peace in their relationship.

As a family therapist, I see many couples throughout the week. Quite often I find myself talking about the negative cycle and faux balance that couples attempt to create within their relationships. This concept is based on a pursue/withdraw theory.

Think about your significant other. Contemplate his/her temperament, likes, dislikes, conflict style, etc. Chances are you are similar in some ways yet very different in others. We tend to marry our compliment. Someone who fits us enough to be able to puzzle piece with us, yet different enough to be able to fill in some of the gaps that our own style and personalities leave. 

In the beginning of a relationship, this difference creates wonder and excitement and can feel safe and well rounding. As couples develop negativity and begin to grow distant and cold or passionately conflictual, these differences cease to feel complimentary and begin to breed disappointment, anger and often resentment. 

The Negative Cycle
In an attempt to bridge the gap of distance, couples often develop a negative cycle. The most classic of them all is a pursue/withdraw cycle; wherein both roles have a duty to perform in the marriage. The pursuer's job is to draw out problems in an attempt to purge, resolve and heal. The withdrawer's job is to protect and keep the couple from creating any more damage and distance. 

So one pushes and the other backs away. One may be called a "nag" while the other may "have no feeling". Both are designed to help, yet neither extreme method does.

Here is where the mediation of today meets the couples therapy of tomorrow. What might it cost a "pursuer" to give up fear? To stop fearing the worst, to stop shining a light on the dark corners of the relationship? To let go and hope that the relationship will find it's way back to closeness?

If you are a pursuer and are yourself in a negative cycle, you know the answer. IT"S TOO DANGEROUS TO GIVE UP FEAR. What a quandary. It seems logical to try to find that path of optimism. Even cautious optimism. Letting go of fear, not to wander blindly but to be cautiously optimistic. 

Still. It feels dangerous... Because it is.

One of the beginning goals of couple's therapy is to close the gap in the negative cycle and attempt to get the energy to flow BOTH WAYS. In order for the pursuer to back off and allow peace to creep into the relationship, there must first be trust. Trust that the protector will engage, no longer withdraw and begin to pursue. 

If both parties back off, stop fighting and pursuing, the marriage can die. One of the most dangerous marital dynamics is the relationship where NO ONE is pursuing or fighting for closeness. 

The Rising Withdrawer and Shrinking Pursuer
How can one be cautisoluy optimistic in a dynamic as such? The first person to understand in a withdraw/pursue dynamic is the one who withdraws to protect. What would need to happen in order for the protector to come out and not withdraw? Sometimes the pursuer needs to learn to communicate safer, other times it is due to past pain and hurt, maybe the withdrawer is depressed. 

Whatever the needs, it is important that the pursuer hears them so that s/he knows how to help the protecting partner get what is needed to allow energy to flow from him/her into the relationship.

Next it is the pursers job to then learn to ALLOW the withdrawer to complain or create tension. To allow this equal flow of energy enables the couple to live more within the boundaries of equilibrium and less in the dark lonely corners of extreme. This means the pursuer must create self discipline to then begin to complain less and tread on negative topics more carefully and mindfully as to keep the protector engaged.

Now it feels safe enough to let go of fear and embrace cautious optimism. Fear is often present for a reason. Learn to listen to it's voice, hear it and grow through it. When we embrace fear too long, it can be crippling to our emotional and physical health and can create many chronic problems that can take years to resolve and heal. Fear can be a helper if we respect it's power and then yield to cautious optimism as soon the opportunity arises. 

Fear and Optimism in a Marriage
Listen to the voice of fear in your marriage. What is it trying to tell you? Do you trust enough in your partner and the dynamic or relationship to complain from a cautiously optimistic stance? Can you use what is not working to help you move to a closer place all the while remaining a team of equilibrium? 

All good relationships have troubling times. If your relationship feels as if it is struggling too much and it is becoming too difficult to find your way back to each other, get an appointment for couples therapy today. Don't wait until tomorrow, reach out today. 

Gabrielle is a licensed family therapist in Northern Virginia. She is a married mother of two and is in constant search of peace, balance and new growth.

I am so fortunate that even in the midst of my own treatment for Lyme Disease, I never struggled to get to sleep. As a children's therapist, I see so many children who can either not fall asleep or can not fall asleep alone. This can be so frustrating for all involved. 

This blog has tips to help prepare the body for sleep. All throughout Lyme treatment, both of my children struggled to fall asleep. Melatonin helped my son, but nothing really helped my daughter. Midnight would come and go on a regular school night and she would be wide awake. Frustrating! 

My husband and I experimented with using a structured sleepy time routine at about the same time that I discovered essential oils for sleeping. This seemed like the perfect marriage, and WORKED. With school starting in a week, it is time for us to get back into this routine again. And what a more perfect time to share it all with you!

No Chocolate or Food Dye
If you are going to get serious about bedtime, you have to think about it THIS early. Reserve all chocolate desserts and snacks for right after school. Get into a really good routine of either not having dessert after dinner or having something without chocolate or food dye. 

No Electronics After Dinner
I know. You hoped I wouldn't say it, but it's true. Many moms out there will agree. Electronics can make some of our kids more hyper. We think games are a great way to unwind, but they do stimulate the brain. I am waiting for really good brain scan research to come out so I can link it here to show you just how important this step is! 

So, what is this routine and what does it look like? The first step in developing a structure sleepy time routine is to first determine what time you want your child to fall asleep. When this is determined, back this up by an hour, and this is when your sleep routine begins. 

Let's pretend you have an older child and you really want them to fall asleep by 8:30pm. In this case, your routine would start at 7:30pm. Be particular and strict with this routine. You really want your child's brain to get into the habit of giving his/her body the message that it is time to sleep. My example below will follow the routine of the child who needs to fall asleep by 8:30pm. You can of course alter the times to fit the needs of your child. 

Step 1: 7:30pm...Eat a Healthy Snack
This is not the time to grab a cookie and milk or strawberries and whipped cream. This snack is to be high in protein and low in sugar to help keep the blood sugar regulated. Remember to keep drinks at a minimum here. The snack is designed to help keep the belly satisfied so that a dip in blood sugar is not distracting to sleep.

Step 2: Do Something From the Approved Night Time Activity List
Before you even start this routine, sit down with your child to create a list of quiet, soothing night time activities. These could be things like taking a warm bath, playing chess, coloring in a coloring book, drawing with soothing music in the background, etc. The activity needs to be able to get the message to the brain that your child is ready for calm. Tv and electronics will not work here..and that includes mom and dad's too! If the family room is bright and noisy with the TV blaring in the background, it will NOT send the proper sleepy message to your child's brain. You are all in this together: Team Sleepy Time.

Every night, your child can pick from the list of calm activities and will participate in one until 8pm. Some parents allow the food and quiet activity to coincide, others keep it separate. You get to decide, just make sure that it ends by 8pm and that the energy is calm.

Step 3: 8pm...Time to Get Ready For Bed
Now it is time to brush teeth, wash face, go potty, get into jammies etc. Some children do this quickly and others take a REALLY long time. If your child is young and gets distracted, help him remember by creating a chart for the wall that gives pictures (like a tooth brush) or words (go potty) that will help him remember what the next steps are. This is also the time that mom or dad fill up the bedroom diffuser to help prepare the room for sleep. 

Sleepy Time Child-Friendly Diffuser Blends to Try*
1. Sometimes something as simple as 3 or 4 drops of Lavender will work
2. Maybe try a 1,2,3 blend of Roman Chamomile (1 drop), Calming Blend (2 drops), and Lavender (3 drops)
3. Our favorite at my house is 3 drops of Cedarwood and 3 Drop of Bergamot (great for anxious feelings)

Every diffuser is different. Use the above ratios as a guide. Your diffuser may need more or less overall oil. 

* Tip: When you find a sleepy time blend that you like, make a larger batch of it and pour it into an old, empty clean essential oils bottle. Now you have it pre-measured and blended and ready to go...just add a few drops to the diffuser and it's sleepy time.

Step 4: Story Time
Depending on how fast your child is with getting ready for bed, she how has between 15-20 minute to read or to have a book read to her. Remember to keep the lights lower, voices soft and energy calm. This is the last step before lights go dark. The diffuser at this point is already running. Your child's limbic system is beginning to calm as he breathes the oils in through his nose. Sleep is near...

Step 5: Say Good Night
Woo hoo! (Shhh) You made it to the end. It is time to say good night. Whether you use a nightlight, hall light or dark room probably depends a lot on how fearful your child is and how active his imagination can be at night. Just be sure his natural melatonin has an opportunity to get naturally activated (mine can't with even my closet light).

This 5 step method works because it relies on habits and calming activities combined...so be patient and let habit and routine help create the success. If it takes a couple of weeks, it takes a couple of weeks! Stay at it. Habits, essential oils and calm activities are the perfect recipe for a successful night's sleep. Let me know how it goes. Staying with this routine saved my daughter and allowed her to sleep fully for the first time in a couple of years. Give it a try tonight!

Anxiety, panic and fear are a well known trio in trauma. Helping the body find a place of calm and feeling rooted and grounded again is foundational. Although Vetiver is a strong smelling oil, if blended well with other oils, it can be a wonderful calming, grounding tool. Ever diffuser is different. Use the guides below to help identify a nice ratio.

In a Cool Mist Diffuser Add...
Recipe #1 ...3 drops of Lavender AND 1 drop of Vetiver
Recipe #2 ...5 drops of Wild Orange AND 1 drop Vetiver
Recipe #3 ...1 drop Roman Chamomile, 2 drops Sandalwood AND 1-2 drop of Vetiver

Much of the research suggests that breathing in through the nose with the diffuser for 15 minutes  is enough to get the essential oils into the limbic system to start to calm things down. Repeat as necessary.

Try this Rollerball Recipe. Apply to the Bottom of the Foot, Including the Big Toe.
15 drops Calming Blend*
15 drops Grounding Blend*
7 drops Geranium
7 drops Vetiver
Carrier Oil (fractionated coconut oil*, grape seed, etc)
10 ml RollerBall 

Add oils to a rollerball. Shake and apply to the area effected, such as the heart, throat, shoulders, stomach, etc. Applying oils to the feet is a nice way to get the oils into the bloodstream and not just to an acute area of the body. Experiment to see which avenue works best. This blend is adult strength. Dilute for children by cutting the oil amount in half or if the child is very young, cut it half again...continue to fill the bottle with carrier oil.

In a Cool Mist Diffuser Add...
Recipe #1 ...3 drops of Bergamot, 3 drops of Juniper Berry AND 2 drop of Roman Chamomile 

This blend is great for nightmares and panic before going to bed. Many moms use Juniper Berry to stop night terrors in children. Adding it to this nighttime blend is great for those whose trauma includes bad dreams and night time fear. 

Recipe #2 ...4 drops Cedarwood AND 2 drops Bergamot 

This blend is great for both unwinding and sleeping. Although it may not make you feel tired, it is GREAT at shutting down the tiring, non-stop thoughts that can accompany trauma and stress. Many find this very helpful for falling asleep.

Play Around With the Recipes...Make Them Yours
Finding the blend that works for you is SO important. You know your diffuser and the size of your room. Go ahead and play around with the number of drops, remembering that less is more with essential oils. Some diffusers are better than others and some are diffusing in a small space while others in a great room. Use these recipes as a wonderful ratio guide to help you understand what oils can help you the best. Comment below if you have found other blends to help!

* Use your favorite brand of essential oils but know that many brands are NOT pure. Do your homework. Most labels carry blends...the name of each blend is not listed, but the type of blend is. 

When I first became a therapist, I worked in a handful of hospitals, day treatment centers and school settings that implemented behavior modification systems. I think it is just as important to notice what works as well as pick up on why a system might not be effective. In my experience, it is important to have a system that is balanced. One that looks at stopping negative behavior all the while shaping positive behavior that you want to see. 

Systems that focus on praise alone will miss the opportunity of teaching a child self discipline and natural consequences. Reflectively, systems that focus on punishing negative behavior or discipline alone miss the chance to build up the child and help him strive for positive behavior. Avoiding punishment is not the same as an internalized locus of control. Click here to read part one of this blog that focuses on developing a level system for disruptive negative behaviors.

I Just Wish my Child Would...

All parents know that feeling. It is the exact moment when you look at your partner and say, "When did things get so out of control? I never thought I'd raise a child who..." In that moment you know...it is time for a change and it needs to happen NOW.

Every time my husband and I decide to do a behavior shaping plan we inevitably ask each other why we waited so long to do it. Shaping behavior really works, if there is already consistency with a good solid level system that tackles negative behavior AND if love and respect for the children are maintained at all times too.

So what is behavior shaping anyway? Shaping takes a desired behavior and makes certain that it is practiced enough times over the course of a week or two to make it become a routine behavior. The best way to shape positive behavior is by first identifying ONE behavior at a time to shape.
Although you may get the urge to start all over with your children and overhaul your entire parenting plan, it is only recommended to pick one behavior at a time to shape and keep it POSITIVE! 

Examples:
Say the kids are not listening and argue too much. The behavior to aim for is not "stop sassing" a better goal might sound like, "follow directions the first time asked". Maybe you are tired of cleaning up after the children. A goal might be "find ways to be helpful. Each helpful task that you initiate earns you a link."

What is a Link & How Can it Change my Child's Behavior?

Remember those links you made out of construction paper as a child? I have memories of cutting colorful paper into strips, creating a link, connecting the links together and then wrapping them around my Christmas tree. Links are great because they are so visual. These are the same links that work for shaping  behavior.

How Does it Work? 

After you choose the desired behavior AND measurable one step goal, look for times your child is doing it and reward him with a link. Have your child be on the look out for these behaviors too. Having your child point out that he did the goal is a GREAT way for him to scan his environment and look for ways to behave. 

Begin to hang these links from a low 8' ceiling. Link after link of good behavior begins to make it's way to the floor. When the entire chain touches the ground (make it happen in less than a week), something wonderful happens. Make sure you determine what this will be beforehand. It could be an outing to the neighborhood ice cream shop, a small toy or extra privilege. Make it enticing, but not expensive. 

"What if my Child Does NOT Do it? Do I Take Away a Link?"

Nope. Never take away a link that has already been earned. This is why it is important to have a level system already in place AND to use your own creativity and parent coaching skills. Misbehavior gets the time out, etc, but positive behavior connects to links.

Example:
This approach is collaborative and takes you and your child working together to make this work. Let's say your child's link goal is to follow directions the first time time asked. It is now bedtime and you told her to brush her teeth. She whines about wanting to watch more tv and does not go upstairs. You remind her a second time with a calm, sincere, "Stink. You could have earned a link. Maybe you will remember when it is time to put on your jammies." 

Working together is key here. If all of your re-directing tools are punitively based, and you do not try to cheer her on, like a parent coach, chances are the plan will not work. It takes your child, but it also takes you wanting her to succeed and do a good job. Reminding your child that she can earn more links another time will help her not give up and sit in failure.

Nobody Likes to Fail...Not You & Not Your Child

When children reach the failure stage and feel like a really bad kid, they usually quit. If your child has quit, he will probably sabotage the good things, rip down the links, swear and say means things when you try to reward. Failure is tough to fight against. This is why I say NEVER pull down a link once it is earned. Do not take away stars from a star chart. These things they did well...these things do not need to be discounted. Finding a way to creativity get your child to want to behave is key. Making them feel like you are a team and that you WANT them to succeed is huge. 

It takes tweaking and tweaking and tweaking yet again...and all of the time. Children develop and change at a rapid rate. The older they get, the more they are exposed to the world. When your children are stuck in rut of bad behavior, it is not necessary for you to go to that place of failure either. Realizing that children are supposed to get stuck and misbehave and that it is normal for any parent to feel overwhelmed can help empower you to find your path and to maybe even start cutting out links. 

Gabrielle Anderson is the owner of and therapist at the Family Center if Northern Virginia, llc. She sees children as young as three through adulthood.

​Have a special needs child? Click here to read a blog that just might speak to you.

June is the month to explore men and male related issues. What is it like to be male? What has influenced you to be the person that you have become today? Being a therapist, this subject comes up more often than you might except.

 Just last week, my Facebook and other news feeds seem to have settled down with their fixation on the Bruce-Caitlyn Jenner transformation. To some the question of being male is instinctual, loaded with all the assumptions we take for granted, but to one who is trans-gendered, the question itself becomes a process to dissect and organize.

I do not pretend to be an expert in such gender related issues, but as I write this article, I currently have a 4 year old child and a seventeen year old teen on my caseload struggling with gender identity questions. In addition, I see a preschooler with two mommies and a married bi-sexual woman.

I was born with curly hair; my daughter has red. Two of my brothers are left handed and an uncle is gay. Genetic variances are all around and everywhere; they are what set us apart and distinguish us from others.  Is this how we explain the one confused about their gender identity or knowing that they were born in the wrong body? I really do not know the answer.

Two years ago I saw a little boy in play therapy struggling through a divorce. His little 2 year old brother waited for him in the waiting adorned with beads, wearing a princess costume. Week after week his toddler sibling wore something fun and feminine. I never gave it a second thought until mom called again 2 years later. Now little brother is in pre-k and is determined that he is a girl. Mom and dad have allowed “her” to grow out her hair, wear girls clothes, and use the “she “ pronoun. This little one is not choosing to dress like…in her mind she IS a girl. Just a girl with an unfortunate penis.

Another child is a senior at a prestigious private school for the gifted. I am seeing her primarily because she has Lyme disease and is struggling to cope. She talks about what it is like to be a girl but to also feel like being a girl is not right, not her. So, she wears baggy sweatshirts to conceal her breasts and cuts her hair in such a way that she looks a bit neutral. To this bright teen, she feels as if she is destined to be a boy, yet she really wants the easy road. What she really wants is to feel congruent in her own skin. To feel at home being a girl.

I am not here to pretend I understand what this feels like or why an individual feels trapped in the wrong gender identity. But one thing I know for sure. These individuals are not choosing it, but rather the path is choosing them.

What must it be like to feel incongruent every moment of every day. If there is one thing I can trust, it is my gender and the idea that I am without a doubt a woman. To me, this is a basic fact that I do not think about or wonder about, it is just an is.

To worry about which restroom to enter or what pronoun to use and to always feel like someone somewhere was not going to accept you and was probably going to hurt you is unimaginable. To walk through life with people who are vocal and do not understand you or for whatever reason could not find love and tolerance to allow your differences to be yours sounds exhausting.

The teen I mentioned above is in the hospital now, wanting to die. Wanting to end her life and stop the suffering and anguish. A week before she tried to take her life she asked me a breath-taking question. 


 “Gabrielle, do you think my Lyme disease could be effecting my brain and making me not want to be a girl? I can’t stand this inner fight any longer. I just want to feel right and ok.”

How can we not show love to such a person? How could I feel anything but compassion and understanding for someone who has a road so challenging and difficult, she would find it easier to end life itself?

Tolerance. Love. Understanding. Support. Sometimes the road to be a successful man or a virtuous woman is harder than we could ever imagine. Maybe, just maybe we can open our hearts and minds to allow ourselves to remember that we almost never have the full story or the entire picture of what one’s daily walk is truly about. Offering the kind of love and support any of us would need to feel congruent within ourselves would seem the only response for anyone with a compassionate heart. I can’t imagine a more loving path than to demonstrate acceptance and understanding ourselves.






 

I am a mother of two. I hear myself frequently talking about the act of practicing with my children. Now that my daughter is approaching her teen years, the talks become more focused on her actions of practicing to be a woman and all of the roles that that could entail.

What is it like to be a woman? What type of woman do I want my daughter to become? I ask myself these questions and find myself growing within the process too. 

Helping a young woman find her feminine balance is not an easy task. When helping a teen in my office navigate this path, I take the job very seriously. What responsibility we have, those of us who offer guidance to girls of all ages. How much of our guidance comes from our own pasts? Our own experiences.

Girls hear messages from so many places and find what they believe to be facts from many faulty sources. Teaching teens to mindfully choose their paths means that these girls need to have a strong well-rooted core identity. I often find that this is not the case.

How can a girl know who she is in her relationships if she is unsure of whom she truly is? One of my favorite things to do in the therapy office is to help middle and high school girls identify and evolve their authentic selves; to piece by piece develop that core identity. I can’t tell you how many times I have received a phone call from a parent looking for a particularly labeled therapy to stop their daughter from cutting or thinking about suicide. SO many times, I find myself coming back to helping these girls love themselves and become in touch with their core identity
When girls practice being a woman, they make conscious decisions to bridge the lives of today with their lives of tomorrow. Children learn that babysitting is practicing to be a mother and diligence with chores is practicing to be a reliable employee and loving a sibling is practice for loving a spouse. None of it matters if our girls are not well rooted in who they are. 

Gabrielle Anderson is the mother of 2 and the director/owner of the Family Therapy Center of Northern Virginia, llc

The five senses help make the world an interesting and intriguing place for children to explore, except for those who easily experience sensory overload. Children with sensory processing needs do not experience their surroundings at the same level as their peers or even parents.

Just as children with ADHD struggle to filter out distractions around them, a child with sensory processing needs finds it difficult to organize and appropriately quantify the amount of sensory input he receives. With some children, they seek out sensory input just to feel balanced, today we will look at the children who become overwhelmed by the touch related input they receive just by living in their environments. Winter months can help exasperate sensory problems; let’s look at a few trouble spots in winter and brainstorm suggestions.

As a fellow touch-sensory overload sufferer, winter is my least favorite season. If sensory input needs are on a 1-10 scale with 1 meaning I do not want anything to touch me and 10 meaning I need to be wrapped up like a mummy, my body tends to hover around the extreme numbers. If it is a “2 or 3” day, I may spend 15 minutes trying on different sweaters because the first few suffocated my arms too much. If I am at work and am experiencing a “3-4” day, I may take off my rings and bracelet and feel miserable in my boots. “2” days for me are NOT jean days. My dog loves “8 or 9” days because this is when I invite him to come lay across my chest.

I give these examples because I am a grown, accomplished professional adult and I have emotional regulation. I know what my body is experiencing and I understand how to accommodate it. I do not have another adult telling me I have to wear the tight jeans and if I did, I would not cry and scream, but instead would twist and squat and contort my legs into all sorts of pretzel like shapes until the jeans felt just right. You would never know I struggle with these issues unless you witnessed me wearing flip-flops inappropriately out of season…even then you would probably assume it was my fashion sense and not my sensory needs.

Our children need us to be their regulators. They need us to understand that gloves, hats, scarves and big fluffy coats restrict and constrict those who experience sensory input overload. Maybe your child is experiencing a “7” day on Monday and then melts down when he is told to put on his jeans on Thursday. Understanding that the numbers fluctuate day to day is important. Having a couple of go-to sensory safe pants, shirts and sweaters can be helpful.

Being open to look at defiance and stubborn behavior from a sensory perspective may give more information as well as potential solutions. Are the arguments often about the same topic? Sometimes behaviors such as putting on socks, washing hands, brushing hair for example, can be defiance due to shying away from sensory input. Being curious about potential reasons for the misbehavior may help point out something new.

Become a detective for more information. If your child wants to inappropriately wear summer attire in the winter, ask more questions. Is it just for fun or is there a sensation she is trying to avoid or achieve? Not all clothes are created equal. With older children, talk about what feels good with pants and tops and what does not. Take note if your child is describing the cut and tailor of clothing, the tags or the fabric itself.

Often children will become inconsolable and greatly upset if they are experiencing more touch input then their bodies know how to filter. Understanding and learning to avoid these situations can be huge, but helping calm their bodies after is important too.

The first thing to look at when trying to calm a child who is over-stimulated, is to reduce, remove or shed the stimuli. I remember seeing a cutie a few years ago here at the office who experienced too much stimuli at school. She developed an after school ritual that helped her shed the extra stimuli she received all day at school and with peers. Each afternoon she removed any bothersome clothing, grabbed her favorite book and jumped into bed. The coolness of the sheets and lack of restriction helped calm and re-set her body rather quickly. This routine became such an important tool that her parents made sure not to schedule any activities directly after school.

Some children enjoy the refuge of a homemade fort. Forts allow the child to escape into an imaginative space that is disconnected from the stimuli of the real world. Allowing your child to eat an after school snack in his fort may create just enough space and calm to help re-set his body.

Epsom salt baths can also calm a child physically and emotionally. Putting a basket of fun imaginary toys next to the tub can help children play out the stress of the day by projecting it through the toys. Here you have a win-win by allowing the body to calm and giving his emotions an exit through play.

Be mindful of patterns to the sensory saturation. Some children struggle to hold it together all week at school and then melt down for mom and dad by Thursday and Friday. If your child becomes habitually fragile towards the end of the week, it may be important to look at a regular daily sensory shedding diet. Children whose sensory over-stimulation builds as the week progresses need down time to rest and unload and to not be required to frequent noisy restaurants and activities towards the end of the week.

Brainstorm ideas with someone who knows your child. Understanding the philosophy behind your child’s needs will help you creatively tailor a successful approach. When these tips do not work, sometimes it is time to call a professional. A Play Therapist can help sensory needs if there is also an emotional component to it. If the outbursts feel truly sensory based, calling upon an Occupational Therapist, OT, can help. OTs are specifically trained to help re-wire the brain to accept input in a more balanced manner. These professionals can also teach parents techniques such as joint compressions and limb brushing that can help organize and calm the body physiologically.

Feel more empowered this winter as you learn more and more about your child’s sensory needs and in turn gain more tools to help her body get to that calm space.

Gabrielle Anderson is the Director and a Therapist at the Family Therapy Center of Northern Virginia, llc
She and the other team members can be contacted directly from the Center's Meet the Team page.