When I first became a therapist, I worked in a handful of hospitals, day treatment centers and school settings that implemented behavior modification systems. I think it is just as important to notice what works as well as pick up on why a system might not be effective. In my experience, it is important to have a system that is balanced. One that looks at stopping negative behavior all the while shaping positive behavior that you want to see.
Systems that focus on praise alone will miss the opportunity of teaching a child self discipline and natural consequences. Reflectively, systems that focus on punishing negative behavior or discipline alone miss the chance to build up the child and help him strive for positive behavior. Avoiding punishment is not the same as an internalized locus of control.
Systems that focus on praise alone will miss the opportunity of teaching a child self discipline and natural consequences. Reflectively, systems that focus on punishing negative behavior or discipline alone miss the chance to build up the child and help him strive for positive behavior. Avoiding punishment is not the same as an internalized locus of control.
Behavior Plan Part 1: Stop the Negative Behavior:
Introducing a Level System
Part one to the behavior system is stopping the negative behavior you do not want to see. This could be when your child talks back, is mean to a sibling, sticks out their tongue, etc. In order for this system to work it is important for parents to adopt a non-lecture, low emotion few words approach. This approach uses consistency as the motivator and not a parent’s reactions or words. Keeping a cool head and letting the levels do the work is key.
Behavior Plan Part 1, Level 1: Counting Negative Behaviors
When your child reaches three, now he is instructed to take a time out. This is not the time to teach him that his words are hurtful or that you do not approve of his behavior. Time outs are designed to pause the negativity long enough to re-boot your child. The time out length in this model is not based on the child’s age, but rather based on the hope that it will be just enough time to re-focus the behavior. If this is the goal, then two to three minutes is all that is needed to complete a successful timeout. If the child is younger, two minutes can be acceptable. For the older nine year old, maybe three minutes can work. The main idea is making sure that your child can be successful with the time out.
This level of time out is designed to take place in the general living space. In many houses, this is the staircase; in others, it is a dining room chair. This time out is NOT for punishment. It is not a time to write sentences or do push-ups. This is a time for your child to shift gears. The rules for time out are basic: there is no talking or playing, and the child must sit until the timer beeps. “I will start the timer when you are ready. I need you to sit on the stairs quietly. You can do this, buddy, it’s three minutes”.
Choosing whether or not your child participates in a two or three-minute time out is based upon what your child can successfully do. Setting a child up to fail will only perpetuate more problems. Knowing what the child is capable of doing is important. If the child sits quietly without playing (wiggling is fine!), the situation is over and you dodged more conflict. If your child is unable to complete the timeout, this moves you to Level Three.
This level of time out is designed to take place in the general living space. In many houses, this is the staircase; in others, it is a dining room chair. This time out is NOT for punishment. It is not a time to write sentences or do push-ups. This is a time for your child to shift gears. The rules for time out are basic: there is no talking or playing, and the child must sit until the timer beeps. “I will start the timer when you are ready. I need you to sit on the stairs quietly. You can do this, buddy, it’s three minutes”.
Choosing whether or not your child participates in a two or three-minute time out is based upon what your child can successfully do. Setting a child up to fail will only perpetuate more problems. Knowing what the child is capable of doing is important. If the child sits quietly without playing (wiggling is fine!), the situation is over and you dodged more conflict. If your child is unable to complete the timeout, this moves you to Level Three.
Behavior Plan Level Two: Time Out with the Family
We all know counting. “I am going to count to three and I want you to...” This is not the counting that is being suggested. Instead of counting to get a child to START a behavior, like “Come here” or “Get your shoes on” this is more of counting the actual undesirable behavior.
Your son may be sticking out his tongue. You see the behavior and you say, “That’s one”. Then he pushes papers onto the floor and you look at him calmly and say, “That’s two”. And when you have been taught the entire level system, you look at him and say, “That’s two buddy, pull it together so you don’t get to three”. If your child complies and gains self-control and stops the negative behavior, it stops and you may or may not rejoice with “Nice. I’m proud of you for stopping. Good job” or you may remain silently grateful that the cycle ended there.
Let’s say that your child did NOT hold it together and after dumping papers onto the floor, he looked at you and shouted, “Shut up!” Now you reach three. Now you reach the next level. Level Two. Time Out.
Your son may be sticking out his tongue. You see the behavior and you say, “That’s one”. Then he pushes papers onto the floor and you look at him calmly and say, “That’s two”. And when you have been taught the entire level system, you look at him and say, “That’s two buddy, pull it together so you don’t get to three”. If your child complies and gains self-control and stops the negative behavior, it stops and you may or may not rejoice with “Nice. I’m proud of you for stopping. Good job” or you may remain silently grateful that the cycle ended there.
Let’s say that your child did NOT hold it together and after dumping papers onto the floor, he looked at you and shouted, “Shut up!” Now you reach three. Now you reach the next level. Level Two. Time Out.
Behavior Plan Level Three: Time Out Away From the Family
Let’s say your daughter was sent to sit on the stairs for 2 minutes. During this time, she would not stay on the stairs. Encountering this could look like, “Sabrina, you only have 2 minutes. You can do it. Sit right there.” Maybe she is extremely aggressive tonight and refuses a redirection. Give her this choice. Allow her to go to the next level is she needs it. Level Four: Time Out Away from the Family. This time out is usually in the bedroom. Parents ask me all the time if it is ok for the child to be in his room playing. If punishment were the goal, the answer would be to remove all toys and make him sit in solitude. This is not the goal. The goal of the time out with the family and without the family is the same: RE-START.
When a child is placed in his room, the hope is that he has a chance to push re-set and to get unstuck from the negative behavior cycle. This time out is not timed. This time out is rather about teaching a child what calm looks like. “You can come out when you are calm”. Let’s just say your child comes out with an angry tone or kicking things. This is your opportunity as a parent to link what you see with what is unacceptable. Look for specific behaviors that you can point to that make you know that he is not ready. This would not work if a child were still raging. Talking and reasoning generally does not work here. The teaching stage is reserved for the almost ready, but not quite there stage. “Buddy, I saw you just throw out your stuffed animal. I need to see your face and your hands calm first before you can come out. Let me know when you are ready”. Teach him about his tone and body language. This is GREAT information for a child to have. But remember the FEW WORDS rule and only give educational helpful information, not a lecture or speech.
When your child is finally calm, name it and label it so they know what it looks like and what the expectations for calm are. “Your voice sounds so calm and you are treating your animals nicely. You look ready” If she is a little one, making the calm connection to her body may be more simplistic. You may kneel down, pick up her once hitting hand, kiss it and say, “Much better little hands; you are being calm again”. Teach them. Children need your help in making the feelings-body connection. Notice the above examples did not use double negatives. The scenarios did not say, “You stopped hitting, good job” This is NOT the same as naming what you want to see. In this example you are focusing on what you do not want. If you go here, you miss out on the beauty of education. The value of teaching your child what calm is, looks like and how it behaves. Practice looking for you want, not praising the absence of what you do not want.
Let’s say your child is NOT calm, and he has refused to stay in his room. Instead of taking the door off its hinges, maybe try LEVEL FOUR.
When a child is placed in his room, the hope is that he has a chance to push re-set and to get unstuck from the negative behavior cycle. This time out is not timed. This time out is rather about teaching a child what calm looks like. “You can come out when you are calm”. Let’s just say your child comes out with an angry tone or kicking things. This is your opportunity as a parent to link what you see with what is unacceptable. Look for specific behaviors that you can point to that make you know that he is not ready. This would not work if a child were still raging. Talking and reasoning generally does not work here. The teaching stage is reserved for the almost ready, but not quite there stage. “Buddy, I saw you just throw out your stuffed animal. I need to see your face and your hands calm first before you can come out. Let me know when you are ready”. Teach him about his tone and body language. This is GREAT information for a child to have. But remember the FEW WORDS rule and only give educational helpful information, not a lecture or speech.
When your child is finally calm, name it and label it so they know what it looks like and what the expectations for calm are. “Your voice sounds so calm and you are treating your animals nicely. You look ready” If she is a little one, making the calm connection to her body may be more simplistic. You may kneel down, pick up her once hitting hand, kiss it and say, “Much better little hands; you are being calm again”. Teach them. Children need your help in making the feelings-body connection. Notice the above examples did not use double negatives. The scenarios did not say, “You stopped hitting, good job” This is NOT the same as naming what you want to see. In this example you are focusing on what you do not want. If you go here, you miss out on the beauty of education. The value of teaching your child what calm is, looks like and how it behaves. Practice looking for you want, not praising the absence of what you do not want.
Let’s say your child is NOT calm, and he has refused to stay in his room. Instead of taking the door off its hinges, maybe try LEVEL FOUR.
Behavior Plan Level Four: Using Restrictions
I once asked my 7 year old what he would ground me from if he were the parent. His answer was great: “I would ground you from everything you love”. At our house, electronics are the current currency, but it has not always been the case. One year my little pony was more important. If you are at Level Four, it has to hurt, but not so much that your child gives up and quits. Maybe she loses computer time for 3 days, or an outing that she enjoys. Whatever it is, let your child know while they are still in Level Three so she can choose. “Come on, sug, you can do this. If you cannot stay in your room, you will lose the I- pad for 4 days. Think about it. Make a good choice” If your child is not in place to be receptive, or for whatever reason does not care, it is important for you the parent, to let them move to Level Four. Some kids have to experience the end of the system to know where the boundaries are. To know that if they push you to the actual edge, “x” will happen. This predictability creates safety in many children, and needs to be experienced.
Follow Through and be Consistent!
The only way a system like this can work, is if you follow through every time. Using counting makes things measurable and keeps parents out of speech giving. When a child knows what to expect, the system itself often becomes a deterrent. Just hearing a parent calmly say, “That’s one” can be enough to stop the behavior.
When Acting Out Might be Something Bigger
Sometimes children cannot stop at Level Four and continue to misbehave and act out. When this happens consistently, it is important to look at other causes for the misbehavior. Ideas for this are covered in other blog posts. If your child is struggling through something emotional and it is treated strictly from the behavioral perspective, the behavior probably will not improve. Sometimes misbehavior, anger and rage can be medically driven. Sometimes change and stress or not enough time with a parent is the driving force. If a consistent behavior system does not work, it may be time to dig a little deeper to see what else may be occurring.
Balance out Your Behavior Plan With Positives
Stopping negative behavior is only the first step. Looking for what you want and learning how to shape that behavior is very important as well. Click hear to read Part Two of this blog and learn how to get the behavior you want too instead of just extinguishing the bad.
Gabrielle Anderson, lmft is the director and a therapist at the Family Center of Northern Virginia, llc. She is a trained play therapist who sees parents regularly for appointments as well.
Gabrielle Anderson, lmft is the director and a therapist at the Family Center of Northern Virginia, llc. She is a trained play therapist who sees parents regularly for appointments as well.
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