​We are all human and it is impossible to keep everything hidden from our kids- we slip, we roll our eyes, we sigh, we say things we shouldn't in moments of anger and frustration. It happens, but when it does, you can have a conversation later on with your child about it and explain that in that moment, you were feeling angry or frustrated and that you are sorry that they had to see that. Model the behavior for your child that you would wish to see in them. Everyone has moments where they say or do something out of emotion, it's how you choose to handle that moment after the fact that will be remembered.

Do You Need Your Own Professional Support?
For individuals who are in any stage of the separation or divorce process and feel you could benefit from having the support of a therapist to help you process these difficult changes and emotions, if you are looking for help in how to tell your children, how to co-parent and how to protect your children, or if you are concerned about changes you are seeing in your child's behavior or the effect of the divorce/separation on them, please reach out to me today for a free consultation.

The experience of divorce is very difficult for families and couples, help is available to support you through each step of your journey. Believe in the possibility that life will be better and you will feel happy again.

About the Author:
Chelsey Brooks, LPC holds a Master's of Science in Professional School Counseling and is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Licensed School Counselor. In addition, she has taken numerous graduate courses in counseling, development, and family systems. She is currently pursuing certification as a Registered Play Therapist (RPT) and in Theraplay, an attachment focused, play based practice of Play Therapy. Chelsey has completed extensive training in Play Therapy, Trauma and other clinically focused continuing education and is in private practice in Ashburn, Virginia. 

​I have been talking a lot lately with clients about their natural ability to empathically feel other’s emotions and emotional energy. To literally feel them, not just sympathize about them.
 
Although some will say all humans have the innate ability to feel the emotion of others, I am unsure where I stand on this belief. There is a spectrum of ability to experience emotional energy and with thoughtfulness and personal introspection; I believe this ability can expand. 

​What on earth am I talking about? Have you ever been in a situation where you could feel the energy in a room without having to talk to anyone? Maybe you felt this at a funeral or if you were to walk into a silent room after two people just had a fight. If your answer is yes, you may be beginning to understand what I am starting to explain.
 
Years ago I did an intake with a man alone at night in the office. I NEVER do this, but this time seemed safe. I met the wife already, had a session with their teenage son; all I needed to do was meet the dad and gain his perspective on things. Easy, right?
 
Twenty minutes into the conversation, I started to feel my body go into fight or flight. It started with my chest getting heavy, then my heart began to race. What was happening inside my body? The gentleman in my office wasn’t acting aggressively, he wasn’t making advances on me…nothing but a regular intake, but my body and energy was picking up on something else. I didn’t listen to my body’s response until I began to sweat down the back of my spine. “Do whatever it takes to get him out of your office…now!” I listened.
 
For weeks I couldn’t understand this response, until I did. This man had a secret darkness that began to unfold as I began to get to know the family. Mom and son eventually fled in the night and moved across country to escape what my senses knew on some level weeks prior. 

​Why does this happen? How do we know what is happening inside another human being? A colleague friend of mine uses a therapy dog in her practice. She and I were taking an Aromatherapy class together a few years ago. The instructor mentioned that a particular essential oil blend might help the dog emotionally during troubling sessions; in essence, the oils would help shield and block the client energy from penetrating. It was interesting to hear my colleague report that her dog’s job was to feel what the children in her practice were feeling so that he knew how to respond; blocking the energy would be confusing for him.
 
Interesting enough, horses have this ability too. In equine counseling therapy, the horse is used as an emotional tool during a session. As the horse feels the emotion of the client, he begins to behave and respond accordingly. The equine therapist uses this information to teach clients about their own emotions and helps them move through them experientially. Fascinating.

​One day I was doing art therapy with a middle school girl who had experienced sexual trauma. We were sitting side by side at a table while she began to express herself through a self-portrait drawing. I couldn’t see passed the girl to see what she was drawing, so I sat and waited in silence for her to work through the task. A few minutes into the prompt, I felt the energy in the room shift. Deep in my own body I felt a darkness begin to settle. My heart and shoulders felt heavy as I began to experience a deep, deep sadness. The emotion was so great, I felt myself begin to breath deeply through it. Although I couldn’t see what she was drawing/writing, I made a mental note of where on her picture she was drawing at the moment. When the girl finished, I was astonished to see what my body felt. The moment I felt the darkness, was the moment she moved into a deeper portion of her trauma. I felt it and experienced it when no words were guiding me through it…just the energy in the room, exuding from her. 

​Why does no one talk about this? Talking about empathic abilities is like talking about wizardry or witchcraft. It is this mystical, weird ability that no one really believes in…or do they?
 
Since I began to recognize these emotions in my own body, I wondered how many others experience it too. So, I gathered up the courage to begin to ask my clients. The answers I received were astonishing.
 
A couple of years ago I delicately asked a recovering alcoholic…”Ok. I’m going to ask you something a little strange, but I am really curious about this. Can you feel other’s emotions as your own?”
 
The man looked at me strangely and emphatically said, “Yes! Oh my gosh. I can FEEL my wife’s silent anger and KNOW when she’s disappointed in me, even when she says she’s ok. I know she’s not ok because I feel it”. He had never talked about this with anyone and was feeling so much from others around him that he shut down his own emotion. Key information to his recovery path.
 
I have multiple examples of clients who shut down their own emotions because they feel too much from others. Many are not aware of this until it is organized and talked about in length.
 
I have so many stories for this one example. A teenage girl confided in me that she had begun to lock her bedroom door at night. I was unaware of any sexual trauma, and was confused by this statement. “I don’t know why I am doing this, I just feel scared…terrified actually. My dad has NEVER touched me, I don’t know why I feel this way about him”. Six months later, her little brother told his guidance counselor that his dad had been molesting him. Wow. She could feel it.

So many people are in touch with other’s emotions, assuming they are their own. Regular people have this ability, but we are not talking about it. Chances are, someone in your family or friend group can feel emotion, but they might not know what it is.
 
Something to Think About: Do you or a family member experience emotions that do not make sense? Do you ever feel something and you really do not know why on earth you would be feeling this emotion? Begin to introspect and see if you may have this innate animal instinct to pick up and feel others emotional energy. It may explain why social settings are sometimes challenging, or why you get too wrapped up in other’s sadness and life situations. Maybe you have an undeveloped ability to empathically feel emotion from those around you.

About the Author:
Gabrielle Anderson is the owner of and a therapist at the Family Therapy Center in Ashburn, Virginia. She is a married mother of two and lives in the Northern Virginia area. Gabrielle can be contacted here.

One of my specialty areas in private practice is chronic illness. I love helping those with prolonged illness find emotional balance during times of stress and turmoil. In this article, I want to talk about the importance of gut health from the perspective of enzyme support and would like to help you explore the connection this could have  with anxiety, depression and more. Many of my posts are written from a professional slant; this article is more personal in nature. I hope it speaks to you. ​

Did you know that 90%+ of Serotonin production occurs in the gut and that the gut is being called our 2nd brain? Healthy gut bacteria produce neurotransmitters like Serotonin, Dopamine and GABA. Shocking, right? When our gut is out of balance and not in a healthy place, it can directly effect our mood. What we eat can impact the balance of the gut and thus directly impact the brain. 

GMOs, processed sugars, gluten, dairy, chemicals, preservatives, hormones, pesticides, etc can all help to create an imbalance in the gut and in some cases can cause undigested particles to leak into the blood stream. Not good. 

Hippocarates said "All disease begins in the gut". Could this mean that many mental health problems can originate here too? ABSOLUTELY. ​

A couple of weeks ago I was preparing for a workshop at my practice that included a talk about the gut connection with mental health. During the research phase of my preparation, I was coming across article after article that looked at the importance of probiotics, pre-biotics and enzymes. Probiotics and pre-biotics have been on my radar for years (read an article I wrote about good/bad bacteria here), but enzymes? I have used enzymes with my son to help keep his bowels regulated, but have not thought about using them for anything else, especially not mental health. I was intrigued and read on to learn that enzymes can be a HUGE factor in balancing the gut, which (did we mention that 90% of all Serotonin is produced in the gut?) can directly impact mental health. Interesting. 

Within proximity of my workshop, I began to have abdominal discomfort and distress. Because of my recent training, my instinct was to grab my son's enzymes. What happened over the course of the next 3 weeks surprised me.

I am open about my own tools to improve my own mental health. As I write this, my autumn "happy lamp" (a future post!) is going; I constantly smell of essential oils, utilize yoga as my emotional and chemical detoxer and have many loving people and relationships in my world. I do not pretend to be emotionally symptom free, I just manage my own mental health as proactively as I can. BUT, to get ahead of a symptom, understand the why and target it at the source, now that's worth writing about. ​

Over the past year, I have been working out imbalances in my hormonal system and have noticed this new healthier balance impacting many other systems in my body as well. Although this greatly impacted my emotional health, I still struggled with keeping anxious feelings at bay. 

Within a week of taking the enzymes for abdominal discomfort, I noticed a noteworthy change in my own anxious level. Lately, I had been awaking with anxious feelings, going to bed with them and felt emotional distress in my chest waxing and waning during the work day as well.

What I though was an understandable anxious preparation for a difficult day at the office, was actually gut related...NOT work related.  My evening jitters were not due to this trigger or that, but was my gut trying to get my attention.

Two weeks into routine enzyme support, I found myself feeling much more calm and balanced throughout the day. My out of the blue anxious feelings were down by 95%! I thought I had reasons for the anxious buzzing and internal chatter. What I didn't know was that this chatter was actually my body trying desperately to be heard. My gut was speaking to me, but I wasn't listening.

If this article speaks to you, you can now be empowered to make a difference. The first step is to seek the advice of a medial professional who understands the importance of good gut health and begin to take steps to create balance. I have a handful of blog posts speaking to the importance of probiotics, diet and other gut health related topics that could help guide you on this path as well.

Finding the link between physical and mental health can be a gift. Learning how to listen to the body and becoming familiar with it's voice is an amazing tool that can help decode a multitude  of symptoms and lend its way to empowerment. What is your body saying to you today?


Gabrielle Anderson is a family therapist at the Family Therapy Center of Northern Virginia in Ashburn, Virginia. She enjoys writing about mental health concerns from a natural, health related perspective. This and other posts are NOT to be used to diagnose a problem, but are rather information to be taken to your medical health professional to explore possibilities and options.
​


Sources:
Kuhn, Merrily RN, Ph.D. What is in our Food, Institute for Brain Potential: CEU Training

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4540030/​

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/04/gut-bacteria-mental-healt_n_6391014.html

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/06/gut-bacteria-on-the-brain/395918/

http://4abettermemory.com/memory/how-digestive-health-impacts-mental-health/

http://www.drcarolyndean.com/articles_depression_and_yeast.html

One of my specialty areas in private practice is chronic illness. I love helping those with prolonged illness find emotional balance during times of stress and turmoil. In this article, I want to talk about the importance of gut health from the perspective of pre-biotic and pro-biotic support and would like to help you explore the connection this could have with anxiety, depression and more. ​

​Did you know that 90%+ of Serotonin production occurs in the gut and that the gut is being called our 2nd brain? Healthy gut bacteria produce neurotransmitters like Serotonin, Dopamine and GABA. Shocking, right? When our gut is out of balance and not in a healthy place, it can directly effect our mood. What we eat and the ratio of good vs bad bacteria can impact the balance of the gut and thus directly impact the brain. 

​Hippocarates said "All disease begins in the gut". Could this mean that many mental health problems can originate here too? ABSOLUTELY. There are many ways to approach gut health. In another post, we discussed the importance of enzymes, in this post, we will look at bacteria's influence. 

When the health of the gut becomes compromised and bad bacteria overtake good healthy bacteria, yeast can grow to unhealthy levels. Sugar can help feed this overgrowth process. The average American consumes 100 pounds of sugar in a year. Think of how much fuel we are giving to the bad bacteria!

An over-population of yeast can impact the lining of the intestine making it permeable and allowing toxins and undigested food particles to leak into the blood stream. But it also can impede the production of Serotonin. An overgrowth of bad bacteria and an unhealthy gut can initiate cloudy thought processing, irritability as well as anxious or low mood feelings.

80% of our immune system lies within our gut. When the intestines chronically leak toxins, the immune system becomes compromised which tends to increase systemic inflammation in the body. Systemic inflammation can impact the body and brain and can lend itself to ailments that span from achy joints to depressive feelings or even feelings of panic. More mental health impact!

We mentioned above that the production of Vitamin B can be impacted with poor gut health. The B vitamins are a wonderful nourisher for the nervous system and an important factor to one's mental health. Sometimes a 50-100mg dose of a multi-B vitamin is recommended for those struggling with mental health symptoms, other times a Methyl version of Folate and B-12 is encouraged. Talking to an informed medical professional about these options is important. BUT helping the body produce what it needs to is a crucial proactive step in maintaining good healthy mental health.

​We have read what impact an imbalance in good and bad healthy flora can do to one's mental health. Let's look at what a healthy amount of pre-biotics and probiotics can do for one's mood.

Probitocs are live bacteria that are helpful to the digestive system. Pre-biotics are the fibers in natural whole foods that give probiotics the fuel they need to maintain and reproduce. Both probiotics and pre-biotics can be taken in the form of a pill or can be ingested in certain foods. 

​Good bacteria like lactobacillus and B. Bifidum for example have been used in research studies with mice. Mice that were given these helpful bacteria had a reduction in their anxious like behavior. Other studies have looked at the link between healthy microbes in the gut and the reduction of depression and anxiety.

What a beautiful thing. To learn WHY you may feel down or anxious, or have cloudy thinking. To get ahead of it and tackle it instead of popping a pill or suffering through is a gift. Scattered, splintered energy, feelings of darkness and despair, anxious chatter can all benefit by looking through the lens of the gut. Many other symptoms can be as a result of your body's neurotransmitters not being able to do their job efficiently and effectively.

Why not try implementing the addition of daily probiotics into your diet for three weeks to see what changes you feel? Your best angle for success is by introducing a well made multi-strain probiotic that also contains a pre-biotic blend.

Also begin to eat  foods that naturally contain probiotics. Fermented food choices such as raw sauerkraut, low sugar yogurt, kefir, kombucha are wonderful ways to introduce probiotics into the body naturally.

Remember. Sugar tends to feed yeast. Reducing sugar and simple carbohydrates while targeting yeast and increasing good healthy flora is an important step to changing the environment of your gut. Adding supplements and natural foods into the diet and reducing sugars can be a nice balance. 



Gabrielle Anderson is the a family therapist and the owner of the Family Therapy Center of Northern Virginia in Ashburn, Virginia. Although therapy is her specialty, she loves incorporating natural methods and is constantly searching for biological or environmental explanations for mental health ailments whenever possible. This and other posts is NOT to be a replacement for medical attention or advice. Please talk to your medical professional to see if these ideas could help you or a loved one.




Sources:
Kuhn, Merrily RN, Ph.D. What is in our Food, Institute for Brain Potential: CEU Training

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/04/gut-bacteria-mental-healt_n_6391014.html

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/06/gut-bacteria-on-the-brain/395918/

http://4abettermemory.com/memory/how-digestive-health-impacts-mental-health/

http://www.drcarolyndean.com/articles_depression_and_yeast.html

http://www.cpn.or.kr/journal/view.html?volume=13&number=3&spage=239

​http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14177/anxious-moody-depressed-why-you-might-have-candida.html

Two years ago, my husband experienced a trauma involving his parents and family that no one should ever have to experience. A wound so deep and penetrable, it is a wonder he continues to love as deeply and devoutly as he does. Although the stimulus is no longer a threat, his pain continues to be relevant today.

Yesterday I borrowed a Zyto Scan from a health coach friend. "Each ZYTO scan begins by measuring the body’s responses to 35 neutral signals. The median response to this neutral stimulus becomes the Range, or the parameter of the body's response to energetic stimulus in general. Once the range is established, the software introduces specific Virtual Stimulus Items and compares the response to the parameters set in the range"*.  

I was excited to scan myself and family to see what our bodies might be lacking. I scanned for Lemon, Grapefruit and the Citrus Blend. My interpretation of this scan is my need for detoxing and chill-axing. Great information.

My 12 year old daughter, who has a history of PANDAS scanned for the Protective Blend which makes PERECT sense. We've been lax with applying this before and after school. She also scanned for Omega 3s and Sandalwood. No surprises here. All of those made good scientific sense, knowing her medical history and where her body and brain are today. 

Next my 9 year old son scanned for the Calming Blend. YES! That was a perfect recommendation for getting him to stop screaming and being so spastic. I grabbed this blend in the moment and smoothed 2 drops of it down his  spine. He also scanned for Omega 3s. Because I have been trying to help his little brain focus more and stay on task, this also made perfect sense to me. He also scanned for Oregano and Melaleuca. Interesting for me to get the information that his runny nose may be about to sprout into a bigger sickness. Got it. I'm on it. Get the Oregano and Melaleuca. I diluted these with fractionated coconut oil and applied them to his feet before the night was over (and again this morning). 

But my husband. He was a different story. He scanned for The Cell Renewal Blend and Omega 3s. This made sense due to a chronic illness he has been battling. This was no surprise. What came as a surprise was the Helichrysum. Why on earth did he scan for Helichrysum? When I think of this essential oil, I think of the skin. I know Helichrysum is great at reduce scarring, wrinkles, age spots...these are what I think of when I look at Helichrysum. Why on earth did he scan for this? 

The skeptic that my husband is (he didn't even want to be scanned to begin with), focused immediately that the scan didn't pick up that he was feeling depressed and anxious. He was right. It didn't appear to find this. Although his trauma initiated two years ago, it had just picked up momentum again within the past week. He was definitely feeling really pulled down by it all. Why didn't this show up? And what was up with the Helichrysum?!

Out of curiosity, I grabbed my Emotional Healing with Essential Oils book*. What did it have to say about Helichrysum? What I read was astonishing. My jaw dropped when I read the following "...It aids 'the walking wounded' - those with a history of difficult life circumstances, trauma, addiction, loss or abuse. These individuals need the powerful spiritual support of Helichrysum..." It went on to read that Helichrysum can help give hope and emotional strength to help the individual get back on the path to recovery. 

Diffusing
Interesting. I know from experience that the best way to get emotional/mental health support from essential oils is by diffusing them. Diffusing essential oils allow them to be taken into the brain to bring calm to the limbic system. I decided to marry the results of my daughter's scan with my husband's needs and diffused 2 drops of Sandalwood and 2 drops of Helichrysum. Within minutes, my husband's face was smoother...less tension. After  2 rounds of diffusing, a few hours a part, he was able to talk about his emotional journey and where his path and been taking him. He noted that the essential oils helped him feel calmer and less distraught. Wow. Who would have thought. 

I love learning new things. To think about anxiety and emotional distress through a different lens. A lens that is specific and hits the target more directly. When I think of anxiety, my go to oils are Wild Orange, Calming Blend, Grounding Blend, Vetiver etc. What I learned today was that if I am open minded and seek to understand, then I will get more answers. Better answers. 

What are you Doing?
Those of you who practice, are you using your essential oils with your clients? Do you diffuse, offer helpful workshops or even offer free Zyto Scans? Our field is taking a turn. Thank goodness. We are seeing a shift happen that is making us look more towards teaching our clients to find balance, mindfulness and solutions within themselves and their nearby natural worlds. I encourage you to learn, read, be taught and teach others. Being a cutting edge therapist and teaching this knowledge to others can be a priceless gift to those who receive it. Being a cutting edge mama can provide just as much value...even MORE.

Help your body help itself. If you are experiencing a wounded heart, loss or trauma, maybe try a little bit of Helichrysum. It just may give you the extra leverage you need to finally reach the next level OR give you enough support to find good solid help.

The above blends are listed by their type of blend and not the actual name. Every company calls their blends by different catchy names. Hopefully listing them by type will help you identify what to purchase. I will caution you. Not every oil is the same. Make sure you do your research to determine that the company you choose produces therapeutic grade oils, otherwise you are buying concentrated perfume that will not help your health at all.


References
*   http://zyto.com/Learning/UnderstandingZYTOReports

** Emotional Healing with Essential Oils Manual 1, 2nd Edition; Macdonald, Daniel; Enlighten Alternative Healing, llc, 2012

I am so fortunate that even in the midst of my own treatment for Lyme Disease, I never struggled to get to sleep. As a children's therapist, I see so many children who can either not fall asleep or can not fall asleep alone. This can be so frustrating for all involved. 

This blog has tips to help prepare the body for sleep. All throughout Lyme treatment, both of my children struggled to fall asleep. Melatonin helped my son, but nothing really helped my daughter. Midnight would come and go on a regular school night and she would be wide awake. Frustrating! 

My husband and I experimented with using a structured sleepy time routine at about the same time that I discovered essential oils for sleeping. This seemed like the perfect marriage, and WORKED. With school starting in a week, it is time for us to get back into this routine again. And what a more perfect time to share it all with you!

No Chocolate or Food Dye
If you are going to get serious about bedtime, you have to think about it THIS early. Reserve all chocolate desserts and snacks for right after school. Get into a really good routine of either not having dessert after dinner or having something without chocolate or food dye. 

No Electronics After Dinner
I know. You hoped I wouldn't say it, but it's true. Many moms out there will agree. Electronics can make some of our kids more hyper. We think games are a great way to unwind, but they do stimulate the brain. I am waiting for really good brain scan research to come out so I can link it here to show you just how important this step is! 

So, what is this routine and what does it look like? The first step in developing a structure sleepy time routine is to first determine what time you want your child to fall asleep. When this is determined, back this up by an hour, and this is when your sleep routine begins. 

Let's pretend you have an older child and you really want them to fall asleep by 8:30pm. In this case, your routine would start at 7:30pm. Be particular and strict with this routine. You really want your child's brain to get into the habit of giving his/her body the message that it is time to sleep. My example below will follow the routine of the child who needs to fall asleep by 8:30pm. You can of course alter the times to fit the needs of your child. 

Step 1: 7:30pm...Eat a Healthy Snack
This is not the time to grab a cookie and milk or strawberries and whipped cream. This snack is to be high in protein and low in sugar to help keep the blood sugar regulated. Remember to keep drinks at a minimum here. The snack is designed to help keep the belly satisfied so that a dip in blood sugar is not distracting to sleep.

Step 2: Do Something From the Approved Night Time Activity List
Before you even start this routine, sit down with your child to create a list of quiet, soothing night time activities. These could be things like taking a warm bath, playing chess, coloring in a coloring book, drawing with soothing music in the background, etc. The activity needs to be able to get the message to the brain that your child is ready for calm. Tv and electronics will not work here..and that includes mom and dad's too! If the family room is bright and noisy with the TV blaring in the background, it will NOT send the proper sleepy message to your child's brain. You are all in this together: Team Sleepy Time.

Every night, your child can pick from the list of calm activities and will participate in one until 8pm. Some parents allow the food and quiet activity to coincide, others keep it separate. You get to decide, just make sure that it ends by 8pm and that the energy is calm.

Step 3: 8pm...Time to Get Ready For Bed
Now it is time to brush teeth, wash face, go potty, get into jammies etc. Some children do this quickly and others take a REALLY long time. If your child is young and gets distracted, help him remember by creating a chart for the wall that gives pictures (like a tooth brush) or words (go potty) that will help him remember what the next steps are. This is also the time that mom or dad fill up the bedroom diffuser to help prepare the room for sleep. 

Sleepy Time Child-Friendly Diffuser Blends to Try*
1. Sometimes something as simple as 3 or 4 drops of Lavender will work
2. Maybe try a 1,2,3 blend of Roman Chamomile (1 drop), Calming Blend (2 drops), and Lavender (3 drops)
3. Our favorite at my house is 3 drops of Cedarwood and 3 Drop of Bergamot (great for anxious feelings)

Every diffuser is different. Use the above ratios as a guide. Your diffuser may need more or less overall oil. 

* Tip: When you find a sleepy time blend that you like, make a larger batch of it and pour it into an old, empty clean essential oils bottle. Now you have it pre-measured and blended and ready to go...just add a few drops to the diffuser and it's sleepy time.

Step 4: Story Time
Depending on how fast your child is with getting ready for bed, she how has between 15-20 minute to read or to have a book read to her. Remember to keep the lights lower, voices soft and energy calm. This is the last step before lights go dark. The diffuser at this point is already running. Your child's limbic system is beginning to calm as he breathes the oils in through his nose. Sleep is near...

Step 5: Say Good Night
Woo hoo! (Shhh) You made it to the end. It is time to say good night. Whether you use a nightlight, hall light or dark room probably depends a lot on how fearful your child is and how active his imagination can be at night. Just be sure his natural melatonin has an opportunity to get naturally activated (mine can't with even my closet light).

This 5 step method works because it relies on habits and calming activities combined...so be patient and let habit and routine help create the success. If it takes a couple of weeks, it takes a couple of weeks! Stay at it. Habits, essential oils and calm activities are the perfect recipe for a successful night's sleep. Let me know how it goes. Staying with this routine saved my daughter and allowed her to sleep fully for the first time in a couple of years. Give it a try tonight!

Anxiety, panic and fear are a well known trio in trauma. Helping the body find a place of calm and feeling rooted and grounded again is foundational. Although Vetiver is a strong smelling oil, if blended well with other oils, it can be a wonderful calming, grounding tool. Ever diffuser is different. Use the guides below to help identify a nice ratio.

In a Cool Mist Diffuser Add...
Recipe #1 ...3 drops of Lavender AND 1 drop of Vetiver
Recipe #2 ...5 drops of Wild Orange AND 1 drop Vetiver
Recipe #3 ...1 drop Roman Chamomile, 2 drops Sandalwood AND 1-2 drop of Vetiver

Much of the research suggests that breathing in through the nose with the diffuser for 15 minutes  is enough to get the essential oils into the limbic system to start to calm things down. Repeat as necessary.

Try this Rollerball Recipe. Apply to the Bottom of the Foot, Including the Big Toe.
15 drops Calming Blend*
15 drops Grounding Blend*
7 drops Geranium
7 drops Vetiver
Carrier Oil (fractionated coconut oil*, grape seed, etc)
10 ml RollerBall 

Add oils to a rollerball. Shake and apply to the area effected, such as the heart, throat, shoulders, stomach, etc. Applying oils to the feet is a nice way to get the oils into the bloodstream and not just to an acute area of the body. Experiment to see which avenue works best. This blend is adult strength. Dilute for children by cutting the oil amount in half or if the child is very young, cut it half again...continue to fill the bottle with carrier oil.

In a Cool Mist Diffuser Add...
Recipe #1 ...3 drops of Bergamot, 3 drops of Juniper Berry AND 2 drop of Roman Chamomile 

This blend is great for nightmares and panic before going to bed. Many moms use Juniper Berry to stop night terrors in children. Adding it to this nighttime blend is great for those whose trauma includes bad dreams and night time fear. 

Recipe #2 ...4 drops Cedarwood AND 2 drops Bergamot 

This blend is great for both unwinding and sleeping. Although it may not make you feel tired, it is GREAT at shutting down the tiring, non-stop thoughts that can accompany trauma and stress. Many find this very helpful for falling asleep.

Play Around With the Recipes...Make Them Yours
Finding the blend that works for you is SO important. You know your diffuser and the size of your room. Go ahead and play around with the number of drops, remembering that less is more with essential oils. Some diffusers are better than others and some are diffusing in a small space while others in a great room. Use these recipes as a wonderful ratio guide to help you understand what oils can help you the best. Comment below if you have found other blends to help!

* Use your favorite brand of essential oils but know that many brands are NOT pure. Do your homework. Most labels carry blends...the name of each blend is not listed, but the type of blend is. 

When I first became a therapist, I worked in a handful of hospitals, day treatment centers and school settings that implemented behavior modification systems. I think it is just as important to notice what works as well as pick up on why a system might not be effective. In my experience, it is important to have a system that is balanced. One that looks at stopping negative behavior all the while shaping positive behavior that you want to see. 

Systems that focus on praise alone will miss the opportunity of teaching a child self discipline and natural consequences. Reflectively, systems that focus on punishing negative behavior or discipline alone miss the chance to build up the child and help him strive for positive behavior. Avoiding punishment is not the same as an internalized locus of control. Click here to read part one of this blog that focuses on developing a level system for disruptive negative behaviors.

I Just Wish my Child Would...

All parents know that feeling. It is the exact moment when you look at your partner and say, "When did things get so out of control? I never thought I'd raise a child who..." In that moment you know...it is time for a change and it needs to happen NOW.

Every time my husband and I decide to do a behavior shaping plan we inevitably ask each other why we waited so long to do it. Shaping behavior really works, if there is already consistency with a good solid level system that tackles negative behavior AND if love and respect for the children are maintained at all times too.

So what is behavior shaping anyway? Shaping takes a desired behavior and makes certain that it is practiced enough times over the course of a week or two to make it become a routine behavior. The best way to shape positive behavior is by first identifying ONE behavior at a time to shape.
Although you may get the urge to start all over with your children and overhaul your entire parenting plan, it is only recommended to pick one behavior at a time to shape and keep it POSITIVE! 

Examples:
Say the kids are not listening and argue too much. The behavior to aim for is not "stop sassing" a better goal might sound like, "follow directions the first time asked". Maybe you are tired of cleaning up after the children. A goal might be "find ways to be helpful. Each helpful task that you initiate earns you a link."

What is a Link & How Can it Change my Child's Behavior?

Remember those links you made out of construction paper as a child? I have memories of cutting colorful paper into strips, creating a link, connecting the links together and then wrapping them around my Christmas tree. Links are great because they are so visual. These are the same links that work for shaping  behavior.

How Does it Work? 

After you choose the desired behavior AND measurable one step goal, look for times your child is doing it and reward him with a link. Have your child be on the look out for these behaviors too. Having your child point out that he did the goal is a GREAT way for him to scan his environment and look for ways to behave. 

Begin to hang these links from a low 8' ceiling. Link after link of good behavior begins to make it's way to the floor. When the entire chain touches the ground (make it happen in less than a week), something wonderful happens. Make sure you determine what this will be beforehand. It could be an outing to the neighborhood ice cream shop, a small toy or extra privilege. Make it enticing, but not expensive. 

"What if my Child Does NOT Do it? Do I Take Away a Link?"

Nope. Never take away a link that has already been earned. This is why it is important to have a level system already in place AND to use your own creativity and parent coaching skills. Misbehavior gets the time out, etc, but positive behavior connects to links.

Example:
This approach is collaborative and takes you and your child working together to make this work. Let's say your child's link goal is to follow directions the first time time asked. It is now bedtime and you told her to brush her teeth. She whines about wanting to watch more tv and does not go upstairs. You remind her a second time with a calm, sincere, "Stink. You could have earned a link. Maybe you will remember when it is time to put on your jammies." 

Working together is key here. If all of your re-directing tools are punitively based, and you do not try to cheer her on, like a parent coach, chances are the plan will not work. It takes your child, but it also takes you wanting her to succeed and do a good job. Reminding your child that she can earn more links another time will help her not give up and sit in failure.

Nobody Likes to Fail...Not You & Not Your Child

When children reach the failure stage and feel like a really bad kid, they usually quit. If your child has quit, he will probably sabotage the good things, rip down the links, swear and say means things when you try to reward. Failure is tough to fight against. This is why I say NEVER pull down a link once it is earned. Do not take away stars from a star chart. These things they did well...these things do not need to be discounted. Finding a way to creativity get your child to want to behave is key. Making them feel like you are a team and that you WANT them to succeed is huge. 

It takes tweaking and tweaking and tweaking yet again...and all of the time. Children develop and change at a rapid rate. The older they get, the more they are exposed to the world. When your children are stuck in rut of bad behavior, it is not necessary for you to go to that place of failure either. Realizing that children are supposed to get stuck and misbehave and that it is normal for any parent to feel overwhelmed can help empower you to find your path and to maybe even start cutting out links. 

Gabrielle Anderson is the owner of and therapist at the Family Center if Northern Virginia, llc. She sees children as young as three through adulthood.

​Have a special needs child? Click here to read a blog that just might speak to you.

I am a mother of two. I hear myself frequently talking about the act of practicing with my children. Now that my daughter is approaching her teen years, the talks become more focused on her actions of practicing to be a woman and all of the roles that that could entail.

What is it like to be a woman? What type of woman do I want my daughter to become? I ask myself these questions and find myself growing within the process too. 

Helping a young woman find her feminine balance is not an easy task. When helping a teen in my office navigate this path, I take the job very seriously. What responsibility we have, those of us who offer guidance to girls of all ages. How much of our guidance comes from our own pasts? Our own experiences.

Girls hear messages from so many places and find what they believe to be facts from many faulty sources. Teaching teens to mindfully choose their paths means that these girls need to have a strong well-rooted core identity. I often find that this is not the case.

How can a girl know who she is in her relationships if she is unsure of whom she truly is? One of my favorite things to do in the therapy office is to help middle and high school girls identify and evolve their authentic selves; to piece by piece develop that core identity. I can’t tell you how many times I have received a phone call from a parent looking for a particularly labeled therapy to stop their daughter from cutting or thinking about suicide. SO many times, I find myself coming back to helping these girls love themselves and become in touch with their core identity
When girls practice being a woman, they make conscious decisions to bridge the lives of today with their lives of tomorrow. Children learn that babysitting is practicing to be a mother and diligence with chores is practicing to be a reliable employee and loving a sibling is practice for loving a spouse. None of it matters if our girls are not well rooted in who they are. 

Gabrielle Anderson is the mother of 2 and the director/owner of the Family Therapy Center of Northern Virginia, llc