Authenticity is a core value of mine. What this means to me is that I strive to be true to myself. "True to yourself?! Sounds cliche, Who is this guy?" Well, let me explain...

Who Is This Guy?
I am a social worker, a therapist, a leader, a helper, a partner, a father to two dogs, a musician, a hiking and biking enthusiast, a baker, and a traveler. Before, during, and after I am any of these things I am Tucker. "Who the heck is Tucker?" Again, let me explain...

Youth is often a time where authenticity comes naturally. We have not yet developed filters. The societal pressures have not yet wreaked havoc on our sense of self. When I think about who I am and how to remain authentic, I think back to my youth. 

Who Was Tucker Landry As a Child?
I grew up surrounded by other families' children that my mother attempted to supervise. Growing up with constant playmates had its advantages and disadvantages. Being the first born child of my family with two younger siblings was hard as a kid. Throw 8-10 more children into the mix and little Tucker was often disgruntled by the lack of attention he received from his mother. This usually presented itself in some elaborate display of emotion that helped achieve the goal of getting Mom's attention, but ultimately led to little Tucker feeling embarrassed and weak for crying in front of his friends. 

Little Tucker's 7th Birthday Party
I can still remember my 7th birthday party like it was yesterday. Piñata was where it all went downhill. I remember the excitement as I was blindfolded and ready to swing the bat. As I made contact with the piñata, I felt the hard cardboard shell give way, and heard the candy as it spilled to the ground, followed by screaming children diving for treats. As I struggled to remove my blindfold, I panicked, "What if there's no candy left for me?!" When my eyes were free to see again I looked at the ground to see my fear realized. The tears started flowing, the embarrassment building, ending with me running for cover, to my room, where I could hide from the world. 

"Why Did He Tell Us That Weird Story About His Childhood?" 
I tell that story because it reminds me of who I am as a person. I am sensitive. I am selfish. I am good at breaking piñatas. Whenever I sense that I am being inauthentic, I remind myself that I am Tucker. The same Tucker that lived up to the song, "It's My Party" and I'll cry if I want to. The same Tucker that wanted attention. The same Tucker that was embarrassed to show emotion. When I get emotionally in touch with this same Tucker I feel a deep sense connectedness with my identity. I can see little Tucker in my mind and bring up another memory that helps shape my identity. Then, in order to be authentic, I own those experiences and memories as part of my self and I share them with the world as I am doing here. 

Here I Am
Authenticity is ownership of self. A colleague recently said to me, "We are all ourselves."  Who are you at your core if you are really honest? Are you in touch with the parts of you that really make you, you. AND, are you accepting of yourself, your strengths your vulnerabilities and all? I am Tucker and I will continue to strive to be Tucker in all that I do.

About the Author....
Tucker Landry, LCSW is a licensed social worker and a member of the Family Therapy Center team working with tweens, teens and adults. He is also currently working with Inova Hospital counseling individuals and families with chronic illnesses and conditions. If you would like an appointment with Tucker Landry, LCSW contact him directly here. 

​We are all human and it is impossible to keep everything hidden from our kids- we slip, we roll our eyes, we sigh, we say things we shouldn't in moments of anger and frustration. It happens, but when it does, you can have a conversation later on with your child about it and explain that in that moment, you were feeling angry or frustrated and that you are sorry that they had to see that. Model the behavior for your child that you would wish to see in them. Everyone has moments where they say or do something out of emotion, it's how you choose to handle that moment after the fact that will be remembered.

Do You Need Your Own Professional Support?
For individuals who are in any stage of the separation or divorce process and feel you could benefit from having the support of a therapist to help you process these difficult changes and emotions, if you are looking for help in how to tell your children, how to co-parent and how to protect your children, or if you are concerned about changes you are seeing in your child's behavior or the effect of the divorce/separation on them, please reach out to me today for a free consultation.

The experience of divorce is very difficult for families and couples, help is available to support you through each step of your journey. Believe in the possibility that life will be better and you will feel happy again.

About the Author:
Chelsey Brooks, LPC holds a Master's of Science in Professional School Counseling and is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Licensed School Counselor. In addition, she has taken numerous graduate courses in counseling, development, and family systems. She is currently pursuing certification as a Registered Play Therapist (RPT) and in Theraplay, an attachment focused, play based practice of Play Therapy. Chelsey has completed extensive training in Play Therapy, Trauma and other clinically focused continuing education and is in private practice in Ashburn, Virginia. 

​Remember what you liked about your spouse when you first began to date? How you respected one another and went out of your way to understand his perspective; the excitement that percolated every time you learned something new and fresh about this person?
 
Have you ever witnessed a teen and her mom laughing and sharing together and wished that you had that connection with your child? How did they get there? What do they know that you don’t know?
 

​Friendship connotes safety, respect and support. When we love our friends, we want what is best for them and we yearn to be close and connected. Sadly enough, marriages and families often forget this very important component to a healthy and satisfying relationship. 

​All relationships have complaints, but not all complaints turn into criticisms.
 
“I feel underappreciated and am tired of picking up all your stuff.” (I statement) “Please be more mindful.” (voicing a wish…how to make it right)
 
…is a very different message than
 
“You’re so messy and disorganized”(can you feel the finger being pointed at your loved one?) “I can’t take your chaos… this room is disgusting!“(who your spouse or child is as a person, at their core was just attacked and made to feel like a serious detriment. I can almost feel the shame that was just fertilized and watered) 
 
Complaint #1 voices a complaint with an “I statement” and a wish attached, While message #2 attacks the person and makes them feel unworthy of you.
 

​When we have enough negative interactions with a loved one, we tend to pull away, distance and protect. That doesn’t sound at all like the opening paragraph of this article. What happened to the excitement? The love? Learning how to voice complaints and communicate from a place of love and respect is absolutely vital if the relationship is going to grow.
 
 
Relationships that feel safe tend to yield themselves to curiosity and exploration.
Remember that scenario of a teen and her mom? It is impossible to have a close-knit safe bond if interactions erode the person and relationship. When we communicate love and support and these are felt in the relationship, trust breeds.
 
“I can let her in…tell her about my friends who are drinking because I know she won’t judge and I trust that she will give me guidance and direction”
 
I want my teen to be thinking this! To be brought into his/her level; to help them navigate life because there is trust and respect.
 
“I’m struggling with my boss. I know I’m getting defensive and reactive, but sometimes….”
 
I want my spouse to be able to talk to me this openly. To be able to share weaknesses and flaws and vulnerability means s/he feels safe and trusts that opening up and sharing will improve the situation and NOT harm it.

Are you going for water and a well-balanced fertilizer or acid and a dark shading blanket? Find the balance in your relationship; mindfully choose how you want love and respect to look like. Relationships that work and flourish are not by accident, they take purposeful choice, commitment and a curiosity to learn more and extend it further.

Who is the Author?
Gabrielle Anderson, lmft is the owner of the Family Therapy Center in Ashburn as well as a Marriage and Family therapist. She is a married mother of 2 and lives in Loudoun county. Contact Gabrielle here if you would like to schedule an appointment for couples counseling or individual therapy to help get you or your relationship back on the path to wellness.
​

I am so fortunate that even in the midst of my own treatment for Lyme Disease, I never struggled to get to sleep. As a children's therapist, I see so many children who can either not fall asleep or can not fall asleep alone. This can be so frustrating for all involved. 

This blog has tips to help prepare the body for sleep. All throughout Lyme treatment, both of my children struggled to fall asleep. Melatonin helped my son, but nothing really helped my daughter. Midnight would come and go on a regular school night and she would be wide awake. Frustrating! 

My husband and I experimented with using a structured sleepy time routine at about the same time that I discovered essential oils for sleeping. This seemed like the perfect marriage, and WORKED. With school starting in a week, it is time for us to get back into this routine again. And what a more perfect time to share it all with you!

No Chocolate or Food Dye
If you are going to get serious about bedtime, you have to think about it THIS early. Reserve all chocolate desserts and snacks for right after school. Get into a really good routine of either not having dessert after dinner or having something without chocolate or food dye. 

No Electronics After Dinner
I know. You hoped I wouldn't say it, but it's true. Many moms out there will agree. Electronics can make some of our kids more hyper. We think games are a great way to unwind, but they do stimulate the brain. I am waiting for really good brain scan research to come out so I can link it here to show you just how important this step is! 

So, what is this routine and what does it look like? The first step in developing a structure sleepy time routine is to first determine what time you want your child to fall asleep. When this is determined, back this up by an hour, and this is when your sleep routine begins. 

Let's pretend you have an older child and you really want them to fall asleep by 8:30pm. In this case, your routine would start at 7:30pm. Be particular and strict with this routine. You really want your child's brain to get into the habit of giving his/her body the message that it is time to sleep. My example below will follow the routine of the child who needs to fall asleep by 8:30pm. You can of course alter the times to fit the needs of your child. 

Step 1: 7:30pm...Eat a Healthy Snack
This is not the time to grab a cookie and milk or strawberries and whipped cream. This snack is to be high in protein and low in sugar to help keep the blood sugar regulated. Remember to keep drinks at a minimum here. The snack is designed to help keep the belly satisfied so that a dip in blood sugar is not distracting to sleep.

Step 2: Do Something From the Approved Night Time Activity List
Before you even start this routine, sit down with your child to create a list of quiet, soothing night time activities. These could be things like taking a warm bath, playing chess, coloring in a coloring book, drawing with soothing music in the background, etc. The activity needs to be able to get the message to the brain that your child is ready for calm. Tv and electronics will not work here..and that includes mom and dad's too! If the family room is bright and noisy with the TV blaring in the background, it will NOT send the proper sleepy message to your child's brain. You are all in this together: Team Sleepy Time.

Every night, your child can pick from the list of calm activities and will participate in one until 8pm. Some parents allow the food and quiet activity to coincide, others keep it separate. You get to decide, just make sure that it ends by 8pm and that the energy is calm.

Step 3: 8pm...Time to Get Ready For Bed
Now it is time to brush teeth, wash face, go potty, get into jammies etc. Some children do this quickly and others take a REALLY long time. If your child is young and gets distracted, help him remember by creating a chart for the wall that gives pictures (like a tooth brush) or words (go potty) that will help him remember what the next steps are. This is also the time that mom or dad fill up the bedroom diffuser to help prepare the room for sleep. 

Sleepy Time Child-Friendly Diffuser Blends to Try*
1. Sometimes something as simple as 3 or 4 drops of Lavender will work
2. Maybe try a 1,2,3 blend of Roman Chamomile (1 drop), Calming Blend (2 drops), and Lavender (3 drops)
3. Our favorite at my house is 3 drops of Cedarwood and 3 Drop of Bergamot (great for anxious feelings)

Every diffuser is different. Use the above ratios as a guide. Your diffuser may need more or less overall oil. 

* Tip: When you find a sleepy time blend that you like, make a larger batch of it and pour it into an old, empty clean essential oils bottle. Now you have it pre-measured and blended and ready to go...just add a few drops to the diffuser and it's sleepy time.

Step 4: Story Time
Depending on how fast your child is with getting ready for bed, she how has between 15-20 minute to read or to have a book read to her. Remember to keep the lights lower, voices soft and energy calm. This is the last step before lights go dark. The diffuser at this point is already running. Your child's limbic system is beginning to calm as he breathes the oils in through his nose. Sleep is near...

Step 5: Say Good Night
Woo hoo! (Shhh) You made it to the end. It is time to say good night. Whether you use a nightlight, hall light or dark room probably depends a lot on how fearful your child is and how active his imagination can be at night. Just be sure his natural melatonin has an opportunity to get naturally activated (mine can't with even my closet light).

This 5 step method works because it relies on habits and calming activities combined...so be patient and let habit and routine help create the success. If it takes a couple of weeks, it takes a couple of weeks! Stay at it. Habits, essential oils and calm activities are the perfect recipe for a successful night's sleep. Let me know how it goes. Staying with this routine saved my daughter and allowed her to sleep fully for the first time in a couple of years. Give it a try tonight!

When I first became a therapist, I worked in a handful of hospitals, day treatment centers and school settings that implemented behavior modification systems. I think it is just as important to notice what works as well as pick up on why a system might not be effective. In my experience, it is important to have a system that is balanced. One that looks at stopping negative behavior all the while shaping positive behavior that you want to see. 

Systems that focus on praise alone will miss the opportunity of teaching a child self discipline and natural consequences. Reflectively, systems that focus on punishing negative behavior or discipline alone miss the chance to build up the child and help him strive for positive behavior. Avoiding punishment is not the same as an internalized locus of control. Click here to read part one of this blog that focuses on developing a level system for disruptive negative behaviors.

I Just Wish my Child Would...

All parents know that feeling. It is the exact moment when you look at your partner and say, "When did things get so out of control? I never thought I'd raise a child who..." In that moment you know...it is time for a change and it needs to happen NOW.

Every time my husband and I decide to do a behavior shaping plan we inevitably ask each other why we waited so long to do it. Shaping behavior really works, if there is already consistency with a good solid level system that tackles negative behavior AND if love and respect for the children are maintained at all times too.

So what is behavior shaping anyway? Shaping takes a desired behavior and makes certain that it is practiced enough times over the course of a week or two to make it become a routine behavior. The best way to shape positive behavior is by first identifying ONE behavior at a time to shape.
Although you may get the urge to start all over with your children and overhaul your entire parenting plan, it is only recommended to pick one behavior at a time to shape and keep it POSITIVE! 

Examples:
Say the kids are not listening and argue too much. The behavior to aim for is not "stop sassing" a better goal might sound like, "follow directions the first time asked". Maybe you are tired of cleaning up after the children. A goal might be "find ways to be helpful. Each helpful task that you initiate earns you a link."

What is a Link & How Can it Change my Child's Behavior?

Remember those links you made out of construction paper as a child? I have memories of cutting colorful paper into strips, creating a link, connecting the links together and then wrapping them around my Christmas tree. Links are great because they are so visual. These are the same links that work for shaping  behavior.

How Does it Work? 

After you choose the desired behavior AND measurable one step goal, look for times your child is doing it and reward him with a link. Have your child be on the look out for these behaviors too. Having your child point out that he did the goal is a GREAT way for him to scan his environment and look for ways to behave. 

Begin to hang these links from a low 8' ceiling. Link after link of good behavior begins to make it's way to the floor. When the entire chain touches the ground (make it happen in less than a week), something wonderful happens. Make sure you determine what this will be beforehand. It could be an outing to the neighborhood ice cream shop, a small toy or extra privilege. Make it enticing, but not expensive. 

"What if my Child Does NOT Do it? Do I Take Away a Link?"

Nope. Never take away a link that has already been earned. This is why it is important to have a level system already in place AND to use your own creativity and parent coaching skills. Misbehavior gets the time out, etc, but positive behavior connects to links.

Example:
This approach is collaborative and takes you and your child working together to make this work. Let's say your child's link goal is to follow directions the first time time asked. It is now bedtime and you told her to brush her teeth. She whines about wanting to watch more tv and does not go upstairs. You remind her a second time with a calm, sincere, "Stink. You could have earned a link. Maybe you will remember when it is time to put on your jammies." 

Working together is key here. If all of your re-directing tools are punitively based, and you do not try to cheer her on, like a parent coach, chances are the plan will not work. It takes your child, but it also takes you wanting her to succeed and do a good job. Reminding your child that she can earn more links another time will help her not give up and sit in failure.

Nobody Likes to Fail...Not You & Not Your Child

When children reach the failure stage and feel like a really bad kid, they usually quit. If your child has quit, he will probably sabotage the good things, rip down the links, swear and say means things when you try to reward. Failure is tough to fight against. This is why I say NEVER pull down a link once it is earned. Do not take away stars from a star chart. These things they did well...these things do not need to be discounted. Finding a way to creativity get your child to want to behave is key. Making them feel like you are a team and that you WANT them to succeed is huge. 

It takes tweaking and tweaking and tweaking yet again...and all of the time. Children develop and change at a rapid rate. The older they get, the more they are exposed to the world. When your children are stuck in rut of bad behavior, it is not necessary for you to go to that place of failure either. Realizing that children are supposed to get stuck and misbehave and that it is normal for any parent to feel overwhelmed can help empower you to find your path and to maybe even start cutting out links. 

Gabrielle Anderson is the owner of and therapist at the Family Center if Northern Virginia, llc. She sees children as young as three through adulthood.

​Have a special needs child? Click here to read a blog that just might speak to you.

I am a mother of two. I hear myself frequently talking about the act of practicing with my children. Now that my daughter is approaching her teen years, the talks become more focused on her actions of practicing to be a woman and all of the roles that that could entail.

What is it like to be a woman? What type of woman do I want my daughter to become? I ask myself these questions and find myself growing within the process too. 

Helping a young woman find her feminine balance is not an easy task. When helping a teen in my office navigate this path, I take the job very seriously. What responsibility we have, those of us who offer guidance to girls of all ages. How much of our guidance comes from our own pasts? Our own experiences.

Girls hear messages from so many places and find what they believe to be facts from many faulty sources. Teaching teens to mindfully choose their paths means that these girls need to have a strong well-rooted core identity. I often find that this is not the case.

How can a girl know who she is in her relationships if she is unsure of whom she truly is? One of my favorite things to do in the therapy office is to help middle and high school girls identify and evolve their authentic selves; to piece by piece develop that core identity. I can’t tell you how many times I have received a phone call from a parent looking for a particularly labeled therapy to stop their daughter from cutting or thinking about suicide. SO many times, I find myself coming back to helping these girls love themselves and become in touch with their core identity
When girls practice being a woman, they make conscious decisions to bridge the lives of today with their lives of tomorrow. Children learn that babysitting is practicing to be a mother and diligence with chores is practicing to be a reliable employee and loving a sibling is practice for loving a spouse. None of it matters if our girls are not well rooted in who they are. 

Gabrielle Anderson is the mother of 2 and the director/owner of the Family Therapy Center of Northern Virginia, llc

As therapists, we support many families as they walk through the darkness of divorce. Passions often run high while transitioning through such a difficult change. Divorcing as a couple is different than divorcing as parents with children. While you and your ex are walking through this difficult time, take time to remember what this experience can be like from the perspective of your children. Below are are a few tips and nudges to help you remember to protect your precious little and big ones while you transition from one family unit into two.

Spouses divorce one another, but children do not. When dividing up the household items and furniture, be mindful of what the experience will be like for your child. It is best to move furniture out of the house when children are in school or away from the house and never ask them to help. It is important to remember what this experience will be like for them. Before your children come home, make sure that the furniture in the family house is rearranged to create natural looking rooms, not rooms with giant furniture holes in them. Our eyes take in information and help us determine how to react to situations. Help soothe this sensory experience by making sure the home still has the warmth of a home. 

Do your best to make the second home look warm and inviting too. Often home #2 is an apartment or smaller house.  Smaller spaces can still feel warm and family friendly. Maybe allow older children to help you pick out bedroom themes. Making mindful decisions about creating a second home for your children can help you decide what routines and structures to put in place. Home at mom's and home at dad's is the key. When children feel like visitors, it is hard for them to relax and renew. 

Divorce is difficult, but can be doable if you and your ex decide to navigate through the process mindfully and purposefully. Remember that your children are not divorcing anyone. Helping them walk through this change with love and validation will make all the difference in the world. If the process seems all too overwhelming and stressful or if your children appear to be struggling to adjust to the transition, it may be time to seek out professional help. A counseling therapist can help either parent or the children to adjust. If you or someone you love is struggling through divorce, nudge them to find help and support today.

Gabrielle Anderson is the Director and a Therapist at the Family Therapy Center of Northern Virginia, llc
She and the other team members can be contacted directly from the Center's Meet the Team page.

As a coach and therapist I thought I knew all about the power of “attending and ignoring,” the topic of a positive parenting seminar I attended last fall.  Just as I started to tune out, the instructor offered an example of how to use “attending and ignoring” to eliminate whining behavior in our kids.  My attention perked up.  

My 6 year-old daughter had developed persistent whining tendencies.  Whenever she wanted something, or we made a simple request of her, she whined with dramatic refusals, stomping, crying, etc.  My typical parental responses weren’t helping; in fact, they were playing a big role in the problem.  On a daily basis you could hear in our house, “Stop using that voice. Please stop whining. Stop Complaining!!, Where are you manners?!!” Eventually, I was yelling at her like a hammer flailing without a plan.            

Realizing I had created a whiny monster, I decided to give the lesson from The Yale Parenting Center seminar a serious try.  For two weeks I committed to not responding when presented with whining or complaining.  I explained the plan and asked my husband and other daughter (two years older) to get on board with looking away and ignoring the whining. 

My initial reaction to this practice of ignoring was something I had heard many times from parents in my practice.  I felt like the silence condoned the behavior.  I feared both kids would interpret my lack of reaction as approval.  I had to trust that they would “get it” and interpret my walking away as disapproval, or a mini-consequence.

I knew her bad behavior was likely to increase at first as she tried harder to get my attention with the old tactics.  So while I grasped the long view, it felt strange not to respond to her cries of need and distress.  It felt weird that I wasn't doing anything.  Then I started to feel a little mean, withholding my attention like that.  I reminded myself that emotional regulation skills were critical to her development.  I could try hard to control my emotions if it would help her learn to control hers.    

Thankfully the second piece of the plan came a little more naturally.  In positive parenting, which kids with ADHD and related conditions respond especially well to, we're taught to think of the “positive opposite” of the behavior we don't want. Then, when we see progress toward what we do what, we respond with attention and specific praise.  Parents often forget to provide attention and specific praise to the behaviors they like, such as time kids play cooperatively together.  It's more common to pay attention when the arguing starts, when something's not working.

With a little practice, when you identify the behaviors that need to be developed, parents can quickly become adept at responding with less frustration. Consider what children need to learn when they exhibit unwanted behaviors:

o    Whining  ⇒ use a normal tone of voice when making a request 

o    Excessively complaining ⇒  follow the routine we talked about, or understand sometimes plans change

o    Impulsivity ⇒  pause and breathe before speaking / acting

o    Too silly ⇒  please talk in a thoughtful way

o    Too bossy / argumentative with sibling ⇒ take turns deciding, speak kindly to one another (like you would    
      to a friend) 

o    Insensitivity ⇒  think about the other person's needs/feelings

o    Listening poorly  ⇒ look at me and stop what you're doing when I say I need to tell you something

o    Sassy toward parents ⇒  Show cooperative actions and words,  use a calm tone    

o    Quick to anger ⇒ Learn to use calming strategies when frustrated

With your primary goal of building one skill at a time, you can begin to use a magic feather – attending enthusiastically to all the small areas where you see progress. As you see pieces of the behavior you want, you can wave the wand of power that is your attention with your eye contact, a smile, a warm touch, a point on a whiteboard, a ticket in a jar to be used to earn privileges, or a comment like “wow, I am really impressed with how you got your homework supplies out when I asked.”  When met with setbacks or sassiness that require your response, be sure to do so in a matter-of-fact, routine way, as if you couldn't be more bored.   

Attending and ignoring techniques can be tougher in practice than we expect because they sometimes go against our natural parenting tendencies.  Some parents may find specific praising of progress to feel unnatural, like coddling.  Other parents may feel uncomfortable being unresponsive, especially to a very persistent child.  

Some kids, like my daughter, want and need lots of our attention. If parents are easily engaged in negative emotional reactions, the child develops a habit of securing attention in this way.  Research studies and my own experience lead me to confidently recommend the two-week challenge if you are experiencing behaviors in the annoying category.  Your attention is light and easy to wave once you get the hang of it.   It is indeed your most powerful parenting tool.