Last month, my husband took our kids to a Sia concert. One of the songs seemed to have an emotional impact on him so he shared a video of it later with me. What a powerful, emotionally provocative performance. The video described a relationship that had a debilitating destructive negative cycle to it. The beautiful manner in which the dancers captured relational dysfunction made me experience the dancer’s fighting deeply, at a significant emotional level. Before you skip down to the concert video to satisfy your own curiosity, I’d like you to first view the song from an intellectual level. This first video shares the lyrics of the song. Please take a few moments to view the video and take the time to actually absorb the words. Now that you have experienced the song intellectually, I would like to break down a few relational concepts before you experience the song on an emotional level. What is a Negative Cycle in a Relationship?Every relationship has a negative cycle when things are not going so well. A negative cycle is that black hole that many couples feel themselves getting sucked into during a fight. This is the space where the arguments become rote and the couple begins to realize that although the content of the argument may be different, one could almost write a script for how the argument will proceed and how the couple will make up. When I do this, he often responds with this…then I do “x” and he does or says “y”. The negative cycle works hard to get couples to feel either deeply adversarial or cold and numb. Is the Forgiveness Real or Do You Forgive Too Quickly?True forgiveness has the ability to strengthen a damaged relationship. The act of forgiveness requires the offender to truly care that s/he has hurt the other and both do what it takes to make the situation better AND to heal the wound. “I don’t want you to feel that way. I understand now how much I scared you and how much I hurt you” Sometimes we forgive too quickly, before we ever even verbalize all of the pain. Before we even give our partner or loved one a chance to understand and empathize. True forgiveness may require the party to go back time and time again until the wound has successfully healed. Forgive and forget or give it to God have the potential of robbing the relationship of a deep joining and connecting healing and could also keep the one who is hurt from healing at the level that validates emotionally. Forgiving too quickly often breeds disappointment, resentment and potential bitterness. It not only harms the relationship, but the one who was originally hurt. Watch the song again, this time at an emotional level with the above listed information in mind. Notice how one or the other will obliterate safety, even during vulnerable, emotionally porous times. Have the idea of true forgiveness in mind as you watch the dancers begin to sway a foot and then sway their feet together. Forgiving too quickly, without healing, without stopping the negative cycle in this scenario is damaging. Wow, right? When do you hold the hammer in your relationship? At these times, do your words sting? Are you aggressive? Or do you take the other extreme and freeze out your partner?
What does the negative cycle in your relationship look like and what can you do to stop it? Altering a destructive cycle can be tricky and some need professional help to truly forgive, heal and change the relational dynamic. Get help for your relationship today! Interested in Learning More?... Read more about the Negative Cycle Here Read more about True Forgiveness Here About The Author... Gabrielle Anderson, lmft is the owner of the counseling center in Ashburn as well as a Marriage and Family therapist. She is a married mother of 2 and lives in Loudoun county. Contact Gabrielle here if you would like to schedule an appointment for couples counseling or another therapeutic modality.
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One of my specialty areas in private practice is chronic illness. I love helping those with prolonged illness find emotional balance during times of stress and turmoil. In this article, I want to talk about the importance of gut health from the perspective of enzyme support and would like to help you explore the connection this could have with anxiety, depression and more. Many of my posts are written from a professional slant; this article is more personal in nature. I hope it speaks to you. Looking at the Health of Your GutDid you know that 90%+ of Serotonin production occurs in the gut and that the gut is being called our 2nd brain? Healthy gut bacteria produce neurotransmitters like Serotonin, Dopamine and GABA. Shocking, right? When our gut is out of balance and not in a healthy place, it can directly effect our mood. What we eat can impact the balance of the gut and thus directly impact the brain. GMOs, processed sugars, gluten, dairy, chemicals, preservatives, hormones, pesticides, etc can all help to create an imbalance in the gut and in some cases can cause undigested particles to leak into the blood stream. Not good. Hippocarates said "All disease begins in the gut". Could this mean that many mental health problems can originate here too? ABSOLUTELY. Probiotics, Pre-biotics and Enzymes Can Positively Impact the GutA couple of weeks ago I was preparing for a workshop at my practice that included a talk about the gut connection with mental health. During the research phase of my preparation, I was coming across article after article that looked at the importance of probiotics, pre-biotics and enzymes. Probiotics and pre-biotics have been on my radar for years (read an article I wrote about good/bad bacteria here), but enzymes? I have used enzymes with my son to help keep his bowels regulated, but have not thought about using them for anything else, especially not mental health. I was intrigued and read on to learn that enzymes can be a HUGE factor in balancing the gut, which (did we mention that 90% of all Serotonin is produced in the gut?) can directly impact mental health. Interesting. Within proximity of my workshop, I began to have abdominal discomfort and distress. Because of my recent training, my instinct was to grab my son's enzymes. What happened over the course of the next 3 weeks surprised me. Targeting Mental Health Proactively and PurposefullyI am open about my own tools to improve my own mental health. As I write this, my autumn "happy lamp" (a future post!) is going; I constantly smell of essential oils, utilize yoga as my emotional and chemical detoxer and have many loving people and relationships in my world. I do not pretend to be emotionally symptom free, I just manage my own mental health as proactively as I can. BUT, to get ahead of a symptom, understand the why and target it at the source, now that's worth writing about. The Voice of the Body. Don't Quiet the Chatter, Listen to it!Over the past year, I have been working out imbalances in my hormonal system and have noticed this new healthier balance impacting many other systems in my body as well. Although this greatly impacted my emotional health, I still struggled with keeping anxious feelings at bay. Within a week of taking the enzymes for abdominal discomfort, I noticed a noteworthy change in my own anxious level. Lately, I had been awaking with anxious feelings, going to bed with them and felt emotional distress in my chest waxing and waning during the work day as well. What I though was an understandable anxious preparation for a difficult day at the office, was actually gut related...NOT work related. My evening jitters were not due to this trigger or that, but was my gut trying to get my attention. Two weeks into routine enzyme support, I found myself feeling much more calm and balanced throughout the day. My out of the blue anxious feelings were down by 95%! I thought I had reasons for the anxious buzzing and internal chatter. What I didn't know was that this chatter was actually my body trying desperately to be heard. My gut was speaking to me, but I wasn't listening. Listening to the Words Within the Voice of the Body.What a beautiful thing. To learn WHY you may feel down or anxious, to get ahead of it and tackle it instead of popping a pill or suffering through is a gift. Scattered, splintered energy, feelings of darkness and despair, anxious chatter can all benefit by looking through the lens of the gut. Neurotransmitters are responsible for balancing more than just anxious feelings. Many other symptoms can be as a result of your body's neurotransmitters not being able to do their job efficiently and effectively. While researching for this article, I ran across a research study that looked at autism and gut health. In this study, children on the autistic spectrum were given enzymes for 3 months. The children in the non-placebo enzyme group showed significant changes. " ...the parents of this group rated significantly improved emotional response, general impression score, general behavior and gastrointestinal symptoms..." When I read articles like this and I experience the emotional difference myself, I become SO thankful that my gut became distressed a month ago. SO grateful that this ailment was able to bring me down this path to be able to bring this information to my family and to you. Gut imbalance is more than emotional. Food allergies and sensitivities, itchy patches of skin, blemishes on the face, fatigue, joint pain and imbalances in digestion are examples of physical symptoms that can occur in the body when the gut is swinging out of balance. Learning to listen to what the body is trying to tell you can give vital information. I Think my Gut is Trying to Get my Attention, Now What?If this article speaks to you, you can now be empowered to make a difference. The first step is to seek the advice of a medial professional who understands the importance of good gut health and begin to take steps to create balance. I have a handful of blog posts speaking to the importance of probiotics, diet and other gut health related topics that could help guide you on this path as well.
Finding the link between physical and mental health can be a gift. Learning how to listen to the body and becoming familiar with it's voice is an amazing tool that can help decode a multitude of symptoms and lend its way to empowerment. What is your body saying to you today? Gabrielle Anderson is a family therapist at the Family Therapy Center of Northern Virginia in Ashburn, Virginia. She enjoys writing about mental health concerns from a natural, health related perspective. This and other posts are NOT to be used to diagnose a problem, but are rather information to be taken to your medical health professional to explore possibilities and options. Sources: Kuhn, Merrily RN, Ph.D. What is in our Food, Institute for Brain Potential: CEU Training http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4540030/ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/04/gut-bacteria-mental-healt_n_6391014.html http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/06/gut-bacteria-on-the-brain/395918/ http://4abettermemory.com/memory/how-digestive-health-impacts-mental-health/ http://www.drcarolyndean.com/articles_depression_and_yeast.html One of my specialty areas in private practice is chronic illness. I love helping those with prolonged illness find emotional balance during times of stress and turmoil. In this article, I want to talk about the importance of gut health from the perspective of pre-biotic and pro-biotic support and would like to help you explore the connection this could have with anxiety, depression and more. Think of the Gut as a Second BrainDid you know that 90%+ of Serotonin production occurs in the gut and that the gut is being called our 2nd brain? Healthy gut bacteria produce neurotransmitters like Serotonin, Dopamine and GABA. Shocking, right? When our gut is out of balance and not in a healthy place, it can directly effect our mood. What we eat and the ratio of good vs bad bacteria can impact the balance of the gut and thus directly impact the brain. Hippocarates said "All disease begins in the gut". Could this mean that many mental health problems can originate here too? ABSOLUTELY. There are many ways to approach gut health. In another post, we discussed the importance of enzymes, in this post, we will look at bacteria's influence. Good Bacteria Has an Important Role in Overall HealthIn the past decade, our culture has become very clean. We like to kill all pathogens and bacteria, thinking this will keep us healthy and free from illness. While killing bad bacteria on a shopping cart or on your little one's hands can be quite helpful, if you are not purposeful in your attempts, you may also be killing the good guys too. Our bodies have many trillions or up to 3 pounds of good bacteria. Isn't that amazing? This bacteria is very important for maintaing a healthy immune system, the production of vitamins like K and B and for digesting our food. This bacteria is what fights outside pathogenic intruders from invading the body. As you will see below, good bacteria can help us maintain a balanced mental health as well. Increasing this bacteria and protecting it from being killed can be an important first step is establishing balance in the gut. Too Much Bad Bacteria can Adversely Impact Your Mental HealthWhen the health of the gut becomes compromised and bad bacteria overtake good healthy bacteria, yeast can grow to unhealthy levels. Sugar can help feed this overgrowth process. The average American consumes 100 pounds of sugar in a year. Think of how much fuel we are giving to the bad bacteria! An over-population of yeast can impact the lining of the intestine making it permeable and allowing toxins and undigested food particles to leak into the blood stream. But it also can impede the production of Serotonin. An overgrowth of bad bacteria and an unhealthy gut can initiate cloudy thought processing, irritability as well as anxious or low mood feelings. 80% of our immune system lies within our gut. When the intestines chronically leak toxins, the immune system becomes compromised which tends to increase systemic inflammation in the body. Systemic inflammation can impact the body and brain and can lend itself to ailments that span from achy joints to depressive feelings or even feelings of panic. More mental health impact! We mentioned above that the production of Vitamin B can be impacted with poor gut health. The B vitamins are a wonderful nourisher for the nervous system and an important factor to one's mental health. Sometimes a 50-100mg dose of a multi-B vitamin is recommended for those struggling with mental health symptoms, other times a Methyl version of Folate and B-12 is encouraged. Talking to an informed medical professional about these options is important. BUT helping the body produce what it needs to is a crucial proactive step in maintaining good healthy mental health. What can be Done to Improve the Health of Your Gut?We have read what impact an imbalance in good and bad healthy flora can do to one's mental health. Let's look at what a healthy amount of pre-biotics and probiotics can do for one's mood. Probitocs are live bacteria that are helpful to the digestive system. Pre-biotics are the fibers in natural whole foods that give probiotics the fuel they need to maintain and reproduce. Both probiotics and pre-biotics can be taken in the form of a pill or can be ingested in certain foods. Good bacteria like lactobacillus and B. Bifidum for example have been used in research studies with mice. Mice that were given these helpful bacteria had a reduction in their anxious like behavior. Other studies have looked at the link between healthy microbes in the gut and the reduction of depression and anxiety. What a beautiful thing. To learn WHY you may feel down or anxious, or have cloudy thinking. To get ahead of it and tackle it instead of popping a pill or suffering through is a gift. Scattered, splintered energy, feelings of darkness and despair, anxious chatter can all benefit by looking through the lens of the gut. Many other symptoms can be as a result of your body's neurotransmitters not being able to do their job efficiently and effectively. Take the Probiotic ChallengeWhy not try implementing the addition of daily probiotics into your diet for three weeks to see what changes you feel? Your best angle for success is by introducing a well made multi-strain probiotic that also contains a pre-biotic blend.
Also begin to eat foods that naturally contain probiotics. Fermented food choices such as raw sauerkraut, low sugar yogurt, kefir, kombucha are wonderful ways to introduce probiotics into the body naturally. Remember. Sugar tends to feed yeast. Reducing sugar and simple carbohydrates while targeting yeast and increasing good healthy flora is an important step to changing the environment of your gut. Adding supplements and natural foods into the diet and reducing sugars can be a nice balance. Gabrielle Anderson is the a family therapist and the owner of the Family Therapy Center of Northern Virginia in Ashburn, Virginia. Although therapy is her specialty, she loves incorporating natural methods and is constantly searching for biological or environmental explanations for mental health ailments whenever possible. This and other posts is NOT to be a replacement for medical attention or advice. Please talk to your medical professional to see if these ideas could help you or a loved one. Sources: Kuhn, Merrily RN, Ph.D. What is in our Food, Institute for Brain Potential: CEU Training http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/04/gut-bacteria-mental-healt_n_6391014.html http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/06/gut-bacteria-on-the-brain/395918/ http://4abettermemory.com/memory/how-digestive-health-impacts-mental-health/ http://www.drcarolyndean.com/articles_depression_and_yeast.html http://www.cpn.or.kr/journal/view.html?volume=13&number=3&spage=239 http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14177/anxious-moody-depressed-why-you-might-have-candida.html Two years ago, my husband experienced a trauma involving his parents and family that no one should ever have to experience. A wound so deep and penetrable, it is a wonder he continues to love as deeply and devoutly as he does. Although the stimulus is no longer a threat, his pain continues to be relevant today. The Zyto ScannerYesterday I borrowed a Zyto Scan from a health coach friend. "Each ZYTO scan begins by measuring the body’s responses to 35 neutral signals. The median response to this neutral stimulus becomes the Range, or the parameter of the body's response to energetic stimulus in general. Once the range is established, the software introduces specific Virtual Stimulus Items and compares the response to the parameters set in the range"*. I was excited to scan myself and family to see what our bodies might be lacking. I scanned for Lemon, Grapefruit and the Citrus Blend. My interpretation of this scan is my need for detoxing and chill-axing. Great information. My 12 year old daughter, who has a history of PANDAS scanned for the Protective Blend which makes PERECT sense. We've been lax with applying this before and after school. She also scanned for Omega 3s and Sandalwood. No surprises here. All of those made good scientific sense, knowing her medical history and where her body and brain are today. Next my 9 year old son scanned for the Calming Blend. YES! That was a perfect recommendation for getting him to stop screaming and being so spastic. I grabbed this blend in the moment and smoothed 2 drops of it down his spine. He also scanned for Omega 3s. Because I have been trying to help his little brain focus more and stay on task, this also made perfect sense to me. He also scanned for Oregano and Melaleuca. Interesting for me to get the information that his runny nose may be about to sprout into a bigger sickness. Got it. I'm on it. Get the Oregano and Melaleuca. I diluted these with fractionated coconut oil and applied them to his feet before the night was over (and again this morning). But my husband. He was a different story. He scanned for The Cell Renewal Blend and Omega 3s. This made sense due to a chronic illness he has been battling. This was no surprise. What came as a surprise was the Helichrysum. Why on earth did he scan for Helichrysum? When I think of this essential oil, I think of the skin. I know Helichrysum is great at reduce scarring, wrinkles, age spots...these are what I think of when I look at Helichrysum. Why on earth did he scan for this? The skeptic that my husband is (he didn't even want to be scanned to begin with), focused immediately that the scan didn't pick up that he was feeling depressed and anxious. He was right. It didn't appear to find this. Although his trauma initiated two years ago, it had just picked up momentum again within the past week. He was definitely feeling really pulled down by it all. Why didn't this show up? And what was up with the Helichrysum?! Every Essential Oil Has an Emotional Component to ItOut of curiosity, I grabbed my Emotional Healing with Essential Oils book*. What did it have to say about Helichrysum? What I read was astonishing. My jaw dropped when I read the following "...It aids 'the walking wounded' - those with a history of difficult life circumstances, trauma, addiction, loss or abuse. These individuals need the powerful spiritual support of Helichrysum..." It went on to read that Helichrysum can help give hope and emotional strength to help the individual get back on the path to recovery. Diffusing Interesting. I know from experience that the best way to get emotional/mental health support from essential oils is by diffusing them. Diffusing essential oils allow them to be taken into the brain to bring calm to the limbic system. I decided to marry the results of my daughter's scan with my husband's needs and diffused 2 drops of Sandalwood and 2 drops of Helichrysum. Within minutes, my husband's face was smoother...less tension. After 2 rounds of diffusing, a few hours a part, he was able to talk about his emotional journey and where his path and been taking him. He noted that the essential oils helped him feel calmer and less distraught. Wow. Who would have thought. Being Mindful in the Therapy Office. Scan? Diffuse?I love learning new things. To think about anxiety and emotional distress through a different lens. A lens that is specific and hits the target more directly. When I think of anxiety, my go to oils are Wild Orange, Calming Blend, Grounding Blend, Vetiver etc. What I learned today was that if I am open minded and seek to understand, then I will get more answers. Better answers. What are you Doing? Those of you who practice, are you using your essential oils with your clients? Do you diffuse, offer helpful workshops or even offer free Zyto Scans? Our field is taking a turn. Thank goodness. We are seeing a shift happen that is making us look more towards teaching our clients to find balance, mindfulness and solutions within themselves and their nearby natural worlds. I encourage you to learn, read, be taught and teach others. Being a cutting edge therapist and teaching this knowledge to others can be a priceless gift to those who receive it. Being a cutting edge mama can provide just as much value...even MORE. Help your body help itself. If you are experiencing a wounded heart, loss or trauma, maybe try a little bit of Helichrysum. It just may give you the extra leverage you need to finally reach the next level OR give you enough support to find good solid help. Therapeutic Grade Essential OilsThe above blends are listed by their type of blend and not the actual name. Every company calls their blends by different catchy names. Hopefully listing them by type will help you identify what to purchase. I will caution you. Not every oil is the same. Make sure you do your research to determine that the company you choose produces therapeutic grade oils, otherwise you are buying concentrated perfume that will not help your health at all.
References * http://zyto.com/Learning/UnderstandingZYTOReports ** Emotional Healing with Essential Oils Manual 1, 2nd Edition; Macdonald, Daniel; Enlighten Alternative Healing, llc, 2012 During the meditative process of my yoga class today, the instructor talked about fear. "What if instead of using the word fear you instead choose to be cautiously optimistic? What would this change? How would you view the world and your own life differently"? To be cautiously optimistic. What would this cost? What could be gained? My thoughts immediately go to the balancing act in which many couples find themselves engaged, in order to create equilibrium and peace in their relationship. As a family therapist, I see many couples throughout the week. Quite often I find myself talking about the negative cycle and faux balance that couples attempt to create within their relationships. This concept is based on a pursue/withdraw theory. The Complimentary Puzzle Pieces of MarriageThink about your significant other. Contemplate his/her temperament, likes, dislikes, conflict style, etc. Chances are you are similar in some ways yet very different in others. We tend to marry our compliment. Someone who fits us enough to be able to puzzle piece with us, yet different enough to be able to fill in some of the gaps that our own style and personalities leave. In the beginning of a relationship, this difference creates wonder and excitement and can feel safe and well rounding. As couples develop negativity and begin to grow distant and cold or passionately conflictual, these differences cease to feel complimentary and begin to breed disappointment, anger and often resentment. The Negative Cycle In an attempt to bridge the gap of distance, couples often develop a negative cycle. The most classic of them all is a pursue/withdraw cycle; wherein both roles have a duty to perform in the marriage. The pursuer's job is to draw out problems in an attempt to purge, resolve and heal. The withdrawer's job is to protect and keep the couple from creating any more damage and distance. So one pushes and the other backs away. One may be called a "nag" while the other may "have no feeling". Both are designed to help, yet neither extreme method does. To Be Cautiously Optimistic in MarriageHere is where the mediation of today meets the couples therapy of tomorrow. What might it cost a "pursuer" to give up fear? To stop fearing the worst, to stop shining a light on the dark corners of the relationship? To let go and hope that the relationship will find it's way back to closeness? If you are a pursuer and are yourself in a negative cycle, you know the answer. IT"S TOO DANGEROUS TO GIVE UP FEAR. What a quandary. It seems logical to try to find that path of optimism. Even cautious optimism. Letting go of fear, not to wander blindly but to be cautiously optimistic. Still. It feels dangerous... Because it is. Changing the Flow of the RelationshipOne of the beginning goals of couple's therapy is to close the gap in the negative cycle and attempt to get the energy to flow BOTH WAYS. In order for the pursuer to back off and allow peace to creep into the relationship, there must first be trust. Trust that the protector will engage, no longer withdraw and begin to pursue. If both parties back off, stop fighting and pursuing, the marriage can die. One of the most dangerous marital dynamics is the relationship where NO ONE is pursuing or fighting for closeness. The Rising Withdrawer and Shrinking Pursuer How can one be cautisoluy optimistic in a dynamic as such? The first person to understand in a withdraw/pursue dynamic is the one who withdraws to protect. What would need to happen in order for the protector to come out and not withdraw? Sometimes the pursuer needs to learn to communicate safer, other times it is due to past pain and hurt, maybe the withdrawer is depressed. Whatever the needs, it is important that the pursuer hears them so that s/he knows how to help the protecting partner get what is needed to allow energy to flow from him/her into the relationship. Next it is the pursers job to then learn to ALLOW the withdrawer to complain or create tension. To allow this equal flow of energy enables the couple to live more within the boundaries of equilibrium and less in the dark lonely corners of extreme. This means the pursuer must create self discipline to then begin to complain less and tread on negative topics more carefully and mindfully as to keep the protector engaged. Now You Can be Cautiously Optimistic in Your RelationshipNow it feels safe enough to let go of fear and embrace cautious optimism. Fear is often present for a reason. Learn to listen to it's voice, hear it and grow through it. When we embrace fear too long, it can be crippling to our emotional and physical health and can create many chronic problems that can take years to resolve and heal. Fear can be a helper if we respect it's power and then yield to cautious optimism as soon the opportunity arises.
Fear and Optimism in a Marriage Listen to the voice of fear in your marriage. What is it trying to tell you? Do you trust enough in your partner and the dynamic or relationship to complain from a cautiously optimistic stance? Can you use what is not working to help you move to a closer place all the while remaining a team of equilibrium? All good relationships have troubling times. If your relationship feels as if it is struggling too much and it is becoming too difficult to find your way back to each other, get an appointment for couples therapy today. Don't wait until tomorrow, reach out today. Gabrielle is a licensed family therapist in Northern Virginia. She is a married mother of two and is in constant search of peace, balance and new growth. I awoke at 3am this morning to my 8 year old son babbling on and on about a dream he just had. For 15 minutes we listened to non-stop high energy chatter, the content of which I cannot even recall. It has been a year since our son has awoken us in the night. Waking up with him beside us is often an initial indicator that he is not well. My senses perked. I was no longer hearing the manic waterfall gushing out of his mouth; but was now in my own head assessing the situation. Why is he behaving so differently? Could it be the tick bite from 10 days ago? Is he not detoxed enough? He has been swimming in the pool everyday, maybe it’s the chlorine? Could it be herxing? He was pretty intense yesterday… Running awful scenarios through my head is something I do well. But here’s the thing. My child’s brain becomes impacted by his environment. If my husband and I do not come up with the cause and the solution, he suffers, and the consequences can be rather dire. In the moment at 3:30 in the morning, I decided to get my diffuser and essential oils. At first I wasn’t sure what to try. My son did not have night terrors (Juniper Berry), he was not experiencing multi-layered anxiety (Grounding Blend) nor was it even basic anxiety (Wild Orange or Lavender). We needed to stop the chatter in his head so he could stop the babbling coming out of his mouth. I plugged in the diffuser and put in 2 drops of Cedarwood and 1 drop of Bergamot; the perfect recipe to stop internal chatter. As I turned on the diffuser, I asked my son to tell me when he could smell it. “Ok, mom” was the last thing I heard. It would be nice if my story ended here. A happy ending where oils saved the day and stopped the madness. Parents of special needs children know it is rarely that simple. The next morning I weighed out the possibilities with my husband. Red food dye, gluten, chlorine, Lyme, the list of chemicals and substances and their reactions in his body can be endless. We decided. Our best line of defense is to stop- take a deep breath- watch and listen. How difficult this can be. To give up a bit of control to sit back and wait. Wow. Not easy. Having a child with a chronic illness means my mommy ears and spidey senses are always on high alert. Looking, watching, piecing symptoms together with possible meanings and outcomes. The part I think I need to remind myself is to stop and breathe. I feel blessed to have a husband who is such a good team player. As difficult as life can sometimes get, it is nice to know that when the road twists and turns and when it becomes impossible to see the end, I find peace in knowing that I do not have to walk it alone. Stop, breathe,watch and listen. Slowing down enough to breathe...great advice if I can take it. As a therapist, I see a lot of trauma and as a result, many with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. Although therapy can be a significant piece to the healing process, what to do at home can be just as important. Calming the body and calming the mind are a must if one is to heal from trauma. When one suffers from PTSD, the body often stays in a state of hyperarousal with stress hormones being released into the blood stream at a frequent rate. This can be unsettling and creates panic, anxiety, sleeplessness etc. Helping the body routinely get to a place of calm can be a huge piece of the healing puzzle and essential oils can help do just that. Essential Oil Blends to Help You Feel GroundedAnxiety, panic and fear are a well known trio in trauma. Helping the body find a place of calm and feeling rooted and grounded again is foundational. Although Vetiver is a strong smelling oil, if blended well with other oils, it can be a wonderful calming, grounding tool. Ever diffuser is different. Use the guides below to help identify a nice ratio. In a Cool Mist Diffuser Add... Recipe #1 ...3 drops of Lavender AND 1 drop of Vetiver Recipe #2 ...5 drops of Wild Orange AND 1 drop Vetiver Recipe #3 ...1 drop Roman Chamomile, 2 drops Sandalwood AND 1-2 drop of Vetiver Much of the research suggests that breathing in through the nose with the diffuser for 15 minutes is enough to get the essential oils into the limbic system to start to calm things down. Repeat as necessary. Try this Rollerball Recipe. Apply to the Bottom of the Foot, Including the Big Toe. 15 drops Calming Blend* 15 drops Grounding Blend* 7 drops Geranium 7 drops Vetiver Carrier Oil (fractionated coconut oil*, grape seed, etc) 10 ml RollerBall Add oils to a rollerball. Shake and apply to the area effected, such as the heart, throat, shoulders, stomach, etc. Applying oils to the feet is a nice way to get the oils into the bloodstream and not just to an acute area of the body. Experiment to see which avenue works best. This blend is adult strength. Dilute for children by cutting the oil amount in half or if the child is very young, cut it half again...continue to fill the bottle with carrier oil. Essential Oil Blends to Help With SleepIn a Cool Mist Diffuser Add...
Recipe #1 ...3 drops of Bergamot, 3 drops of Juniper Berry AND 2 drop of Roman Chamomile This blend is great for nightmares and panic before going to bed. Many moms use Juniper Berry to stop night terrors in children. Adding it to this nighttime blend is great for those whose trauma includes bad dreams and night time fear. Recipe #2 ...4 drops Cedarwood AND 2 drops Bergamot This blend is great for both unwinding and sleeping. Although it may not make you feel tired, it is GREAT at shutting down the tiring, non-stop thoughts that can accompany trauma and stress. Many find this very helpful for falling asleep. Play Around With the Recipes...Make Them Yours Finding the blend that works for you is SO important. You know your diffuser and the size of your room. Go ahead and play around with the number of drops, remembering that less is more with essential oils. Some diffusers are better than others and some are diffusing in a small space while others in a great room. Use these recipes as a wonderful ratio guide to help you understand what oils can help you the best. Comment below if you have found other blends to help! * Use your favorite brand of essential oils but know that many brands are NOT pure. Do your homework. Most labels carry blends...the name of each blend is not listed, but the type of blend is. June is the month to explore men and male related issues. What is it like to be male? What has influenced you to be the person that you have become today? Being a therapist, this subject comes up more often than you might except. Just last week, my Facebook and other news feeds seem to have settled down with their fixation on the Bruce-Caitlyn Jenner transformation. To some the question of being male is instinctual, loaded with all the assumptions we take for granted, but to one who is trans-gendered, the question itself becomes a process to dissect and organize. I do not pretend to be an expert in such gender related issues, but as I write this article, I currently have a 4 year old child and a seventeen year old teen on my caseload struggling with gender identity questions. In addition, I see a preschooler with two mommies and a married bi-sexual woman. I was born with curly hair; my daughter has red. Two of my brothers are left handed and an uncle is gay. Genetic variances are all around and everywhere; they are what set us apart and distinguish us from others. Is this how we explain the one confused about their gender identity or knowing that they were born in the wrong body? I really do not know the answer. Two years ago I saw a little boy in play therapy struggling through a divorce. His little 2 year old brother waited for him in the waiting adorned with beads, wearing a princess costume. Week after week his toddler sibling wore something fun and feminine. I never gave it a second thought until mom called again 2 years later. Now little brother is in pre-k and is determined that he is a girl. Mom and dad have allowed “her” to grow out her hair, wear girls clothes, and use the “she “ pronoun. This little one is not choosing to dress like…in her mind she IS a girl. Just a girl with an unfortunate penis. Another child is a senior at a prestigious private school for the gifted. I am seeing her primarily because she has Lyme disease and is struggling to cope. She talks about what it is like to be a girl but to also feel like being a girl is not right, not her. So, she wears baggy sweatshirts to conceal her breasts and cuts her hair in such a way that she looks a bit neutral. To this bright teen, she feels as if she is destined to be a boy, yet she really wants the easy road. What she really wants is to feel congruent in her own skin. To feel at home being a girl. I am not here to pretend I understand what this feels like or why an individual feels trapped in the wrong gender identity. But one thing I know for sure. These individuals are not choosing it, but rather the path is choosing them. What must it be like to feel incongruent every moment of every day. If there is one thing I can trust, it is my gender and the idea that I am without a doubt a woman. To me, this is a basic fact that I do not think about or wonder about, it is just an is. To worry about which restroom to enter or what pronoun to use and to always feel like someone somewhere was not going to accept you and was probably going to hurt you is unimaginable. To walk through life with people who are vocal and do not understand you or for whatever reason could not find love and tolerance to allow your differences to be yours sounds exhausting. The teen I mentioned above is in the hospital now, wanting to die. Wanting to end her life and stop the suffering and anguish. A week before she tried to take her life she asked me a breath-taking question. “Gabrielle, do you think my Lyme disease could be effecting my brain and making me not want to be a girl? I can’t stand this inner fight any longer. I just want to feel right and ok.” How can we not show love to such a person? How could I feel anything but compassion and understanding for someone who has a road so challenging and difficult, she would find it easier to end life itself? Tolerance. Love. Understanding. Support. Sometimes the road to be a successful man or a virtuous woman is harder than we could ever imagine. Maybe, just maybe we can open our hearts and minds to allow ourselves to remember that we almost never have the full story or the entire picture of what one’s daily walk is truly about. Offering the kind of love and support any of us would need to feel congruent within ourselves would seem the only response for anyone with a compassionate heart. I can’t imagine a more loving path than to demonstrate acceptance and understanding ourselves. I am a mother of two. I hear myself frequently talking about the act of practicing with my children. Now that my daughter is approaching her teen years, the talks become more focused on her actions of practicing to be a woman and all of the roles that that could entail. What is it like to be a woman? What type of woman do I want my daughter to become? I ask myself these questions and find myself growing within the process too. Helping a young woman find her feminine balance is not an easy task. When helping a teen in my office navigate this path, I take the job very seriously. What responsibility we have, those of us who offer guidance to girls of all ages. How much of our guidance comes from our own pasts? Our own experiences. Helping Teen Girls Evolve Their Core IdentityGirls hear messages from so many places and find what they believe to be facts from many faulty sources. Teaching teens to mindfully choose their paths means that these girls need to have a strong well-rooted core identity. I often find that this is not the case. How can a girl know who she is in her relationships if she is unsure of whom she truly is? One of my favorite things to do in the therapy office is to help middle and high school girls identify and evolve their authentic selves; to piece by piece develop that core identity. I can’t tell you how many times I have received a phone call from a parent looking for a particularly labeled therapy to stop their daughter from cutting or thinking about suicide. SO many times, I find myself coming back to helping these girls love themselves and become in touch with their core identity When girls practice being a woman, they make conscious decisions to bridge the lives of today with their lives of tomorrow. Children learn that babysitting is practicing to be a mother and diligence with chores is practicing to be a reliable employee and loving a sibling is practice for loving a spouse. None of it matters if our girls are not well rooted in who they are. Our Responsibility to Model What it is Like to be an Authentic WomanIt is our job as the adults in these girl’s lives to mentor them with love and respect. To explain the ways of life and the world and to teach them what it means to be authentic. Our children need our guidance and support. Our girls need us to not only tell them what it is like to be a woman, but to show them what this is like. To model for them a love of one’s body. To show love and kindness to their dad and friends. To be authentic both at home and within their community. Finding the Portal into Our Girls' Feminine WorldsGirls today have so many sources competing to teach them what it is like to be a woman. Making sure that our example, our voice is the loudest and most believable of them all has to be a deliberate focus. Sometimes this means as parents that we look for the openings that our children present to us and use them as opportunities to help teach them about life. I find myself brainstorming with parents of teens often to help them identify these doorways. Some children are more open in the car, others become vulnerable and connect when alone with the parent at a restaurant. I remember one mom of a distant teen found value in climbing into bed with her daughter to have night chats in the dark. Look for the portal into your child’s world. Although it is often camouflaged with brush and other prickly bushes, chances are it does exist. Girls do not learn to navigate life on their own, but they will find information both right, wrong, helpful and detrimental. It is our job as parents and the helping professionals in their lives to guide them and teach them how to be authentic and women they can respect and love. Gabrielle Anderson is the mother of 2 and the director/owner of the Family Therapy Center of Northern Virginia, llc
The Thanksgiving turkey hasn’t even been carved and Jingle Bells is already playing. It seems each year the holidays creep up more quickly, making the holiday stress many of us feel start earlier as well. A recent holiday stress poll by the American Psychological Association showed that more than eight out of 10 Americans anticipate stress during the during the holiday season. What could be a season of joy marked by celebrations, delicious food and spending time with loved ones is often the start of a season dreading crowded malls, feeling anxious about spending time with certain relatives and being worried about finding the perfect gift. If visions of sugar plums dancing in your head have you tossing and turning at night instead of giving you a child-like excitement for the holidays, here are some helpful tips to make the holiday season less stressful and more enjoyable. Perhaps next time you hear Jingle Bells you’ll sing along instead of feeling holiday anxiety. Tips on Enjoying the Holiday Season1. Lower Your Expectations. Take some of the pressure off by remembering that there is no such thing as perfect. A burnt Turkey or broken strand of lights won’t ruin your holiday. Don’t romanticize the holidays or try to recreate holidays from years past – focus on making new memories instead.
2. Make a list (and check it twice). Write everything down that needs to get done. Break larger tasks down into smaller items so it isn’t so overwhelming. Once the list is complete, give yourself deadlines to complete each task and put it on your calendar. After you accomplish a task, check it off your list. You’ll be amazed at how great it feels to check things off! 3. Minimize interactions with unhealthy people. Don’t feel as if you have to accept every invitation and invite every friend, family member or co-worker to holiday events you are planning. There is nothing wrong with minimizing or eliminating interactions with unhealthy or unhelpful people. 4. Breathing and Other Techniques. If spending time with certain relatives or co-workers makes your head want to spin like a dreidel, practice breathing. Instead of losing your cool, take a few deep breaths and do your best to relax. If controlled breathing does not work for you, there are a variety of other stress-reducing techniques that are helpful during the holidays. About.com offers a list that includes conducting “social reconnaissance” before attending parties or gatherings, volunteering to manage loneliness and avoiding the use of alcohol for “liquid courage” to manage stress and anxiety. 5. Wrap gifts as you purchase them. Instead of saving your wrapping for the night before, wrap your gifts when you get home from your shopping trips. This will save you time and anxiety. 6. Enlist the help of friends and family. Don’t take on an entire holiday meal by yourself; ask your guests to each bring a dish that makes it feel like Thanksgiving/Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanza to them. 7. Start your shopping early in the season. Not only does this spread out the cost of your gifts, but it keeps you from scrambling for purchases at the last minute. No need to fight the crowds or worry about shipping deadlines. 8. Make some time for you. Set some time aside to relax. Consider this your gift to yourself! Valerie Tunks is a nationally certified counselor and life coach at Family Therapy Center of Northern Virginia, llc. Valerie can be reached through the Family Therapy Center's Meet the Team Page |
AuthorThese blog entries are written by our very own clinicians. When inspiration hits, another entry will be logged. Get Blog UpdatesWhat is an RSS FEEDER? If you click on the RSS Feeder, anytime a new blog entry is added to the website, you will be automatically notified of it. The only thing you need to do is get an RSS READER app. Chances are, if you click on the RSS Feeder, and you do not have a reader, it will take you directly to the app store so you can install one. It takes 60 seconds to get set up for auto notifications of new blogs sent directly to you!
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